Damn it to all hell, why is aol so slow? I get home and there is aol jamming up my computer. UG!

Oh well I have a terrific headache, I didn't eat all that much today, just wasn't hungry whatsoever. I think it's because my period ended and I've so much on my mind thanks to work. But this is alright with me, no eating, okay!

I've gained weight, I feel like such a fat ass. I am definitely getting back on my diet!

Some guy IM'ed me, he's pretty cool, he's a gemini like me, and knows an awful lot about everything. I like folks like this, though I envy his free-willed, take on the world, happy/spunky ways. I wonder if I'm like this, full of energy and full of everything that I make folks nervous because of this. It's overwhelming. I wonder, am I like this?

He's also a snake, like me, but I don't consider myself a true snake. It says we are charming, beautiful folks, seductive. I don't feel much of any of those. I certainly don't think I'm beautiful and sometimes, most of the time I feel ugly, then sometimes I do myself up well and feel like I'm cute, retro Jenny and that maybe I am alright.

I wonder if I'll ever lose weight, if I'll ever date. Is it me? or them? Like I talk to a guy on the net and he's gorgeous and we have a great time in IM and then on the phone, but it's like he's sees my photo or sees me and it's over and I wonder if that's because of how I look or how I feel he's thinking I'm fat and not good enough.

I don' know, I have my headache still and am feeling strange. How come today when I came home I felt like I lost weight and looked thinner, but later on I felt like I gained weight. How can this be.

Anymore I stress a lot on my looks, like the clothing I wear, my make up, I got my fake boobs lol....I don't know why, I guess I'm superficial of myself. but I've all I got anymore. It seems like everyone is to busy living their own lives to even toss me a care anymore. My parents worry about my sister, my sister tells me all her problems and then my friends tell me their problems, or they just don't care anyway, so I've got me and this fucking diary that is the only things that know my true intentions. My so called feelings. I'm just Jen, the girl you call when you've had a bad day, but never listen to her, and just Jen who'll always be poor and hating her job and hating her body and always single, cause she's Jen, a gemini snake, who's already fucked over by being born in this month and year. A double whammy, no one understand her, not even herself.

OH my headache is telling me that I need to get my eyes off this computer and think on how to lose weight for my big debute at the christmas party where each year I'm ignored and then people mistake me for my sister. Pook sits next to me and we are uncomfortable as I know he's not really my friend and doesn't really care. I know I can lose 10 lbs to fit in my dress and not receive one comment on how nice I look.

I can be famous and still be ignored because they just don't care, I'm just a sister and just there mooching off of the fancy dinners and gifts for xmas.

My mom once said to me...is your life really that hard, is it really all that bad Jen?

...sometimes I think so, I'm not gushing or looking for sympathy, it's cold hard facts, it's not happy or sad, it just is, it's how it has always been, I'm one of those people I suppose, doomed to live some shit life and then end up alone with only my orchids to water and then leave all my things to whatever relatives I've left.

Sometimes I think moving and reinventing myself is a good idea, but again, I'm chained to my past, there is no cure to my disease.

�

pet ramps