Everyone was grumpy today, it was strange, I felt like a tiger ready to pounce.

I woke up tired, I work up at 9 and said to myself that I would sleep just a few minutes more ... I woke up at 10 and jumped out of bed and got ready for work like a mad woman. I was nearly late for work, though I make up my own hours I wanted to be there at least by 10 or 10:20, but I didn't get to work until 10:50 or something. I was upset, tired, and nervous that I didn't have that special section done for the paper, worried I missed a story.

SO I got everything done, I have to work tomorrow from 3 to 11 and then Mom and Dad are coming up Friday, Saturday, I work Sunday.

My life is seemingly always the same anymore, work work work, paginate, same jokes, same talks, same same same.

I watched Life, or something like it with Angelina Jolie, I LOVE her as an actress. That movie made me cry, I usually don't cry in movies, but I am emotional anymore, maybe it's stress, my mom says I'm over tired/burned out. But anyway, I cried and then that movie makes you think about aspects in your life and makes you look at yourself.

I do this sometimes, I just sit there and look at my life.

Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm not.

Anymore whenever I get a "great article, you're a great writer" I don't feel much, I just feel like saying, it seems I get more and more negative things and then some compliments. It's annoying, not to mention, all the people that call and beg me and want me to get involved in their cases.

I wonder how much of me can go around when I'm already spread so thin.

This old man was swindled out of 500,000 dollars, he'd worked all his life and calls me to thank me for my article and then explains how, why and how his life is ruined. What am I to do with this information, I know what these people want ... someone to listen.

Like that book I read, Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk, it reads that reporters are the outsiders, we never participate in life.

How true.

I'm just the gossiper of the paper, I get supposed facts, yet am not a player in the scenes.

I just walk up that highway to take a photo and ask the officers how the man died. I'm not helping.

I'm realizing these things and I wonder, just wonder, what good am I doing?

I interview the mother of the little girl who's dying, I email her weekly like a vulture and ask in so many words, "Is she dead yet so I can do a feature article on the saddness?"

I'm exploting their saddness, this is my job.

I'm wondering, is this what I want, this so called reporting, being happy at a fatal crash because that means I get front page?

I hate movies like the one I watched because here I am wondering what the hell am I doing, am I happy?

I can say this perfectly truthfully, "no"

I know now, I am not happy, I haven't been for a long long time now. Even at home, I was unhappy.

I am unsure what makes me happy anymore. I'm tired of crying and I want to just ...

I don't know, be happy and feel like I'm doing the things I want and what's right for me.

Today I spent 5 minutes looking at my ankles. My dad says I have the skinniest ankles he's ever seen on a woman. So I looked at them, and looked at them.

I looked at my wrists. Looked in the mirror and realized how perfectly nice I would look if I were to truly lose this weight. I've never been thin, I know I'm not huge, I feel that way, but lord, I think my ankle and slight wrists is a reminder of how I could look. I've always been told what nice hands and legs I have, I think it's a preview of what I could be.

I think that should be my goal, is that what will make me happy?

I think of the new clothes I got, how I dress up professional, wear high heels that I just learned to walk right in, I feel happy when I wear these and dress up, I feel happy when I feel like I look alright, or skinny.

So I wonder if I'm the type who'll be happier when they lose weight? I read that losing won't be the key to happiness, but maybe I'm the flip of this?

I can see myself getting so thin and becoming some girly girl and being a bitch because I was fat and know how boys treated fat Jenny.

Makes you wonder, makes me wonder why the skinny girl in the office gets picked on with "dating" and office sexual harrassment jokes...while Jenny is not treated this way at all. It's how life is I guess the prettiest rose get's picked first. Survival of the fittest.

So shall my life goal go from career to body? Try to get a body that fits my wrist and ankles, so I can succeed.

Even my friend -- Girle -- said it, nowadays prospective jobs look for the fittest, they can afford to be prejudice towards the overweight.

TO succeed, to be happy, I think, just possibly think, losing weight until I feel like I've lost enough, will be my key.

Not to mention wearing high heels, and this top I bought that was to small but was on sale and felt so beautiful on, I said I'd lose weight to get in it.

I think I just might try this way of life, but my mind to it, I think I can do it when I am determined I can do things...like Disney, they told me I didn't have the job, but I scratched and clawed, and got in anyway, beating out so many with my sneaky ways .....

Can't I claw my way into a size 10? 12? 14?

A 20 sounds nice to me even right now. I'm 5'9, currently am at 277, lets get to 250's and then let's talk. That's 27 pounds I need to lose before I see a 25*, I was at 260 something on Atkins before I got off of it.

This low carb diet really does work for me for some reason I lose extremely fast and don't feel all that hungry except for sweets and pop. Isn't that strange. I think it's the insulin or something because I adore sugars and sweet things. Fuck bread,give me a piece of cake.

Tonight for dinner I had chicken and chinese veggies sauted in garlic and soy sauce. The MSG was way to high I know that, but it was quite tasty. I don't mind cooking for myself. I find that I do well if I make myself a healthy low-carb lunch for work, then dinner I come home and cook and then eat sweets - this is okay in my diet but you only have an hour to do these things.

I just need to get the sweets out of my house, I will do better without them. I'm alright with my pop, I have pepsi caff. free now, I don't notice the difference, and maybe this is why I've been so tired this week, oh well I must keep in this mind set I think I will, I can do this. Heck I already am. I think my eating has gotten very much better since I began this diet. Granted I do have some nasty days, but anymore, like today I was not even hungry. The other day I ate a cheeseburger and threw the fries to the seagulls and drank half my pop and trashed it.

I'm to the point where food just doesn't even taste good anymore. It's strange.

All I know is I need to get rid of that FUCKING candy in the freezer!!!

My MOM bought THREE bags of halloween candy! I keep eating it! I NEED TO TRASH IT, but I told myself I will put it outside for halloween for the kids, if they do trick or treat here in the boonies, to have.

It will be nice to not have this chocolate in my house. Then I will not no choice but to eat lowfat coolwhip or no sugar jello. This is PERFECTLY fine with me. Lord or have a bowl of low fat pudding with cool whip, oooh that's good. I need to go shopping Friday, I should make up my list. I need to clean the house for mom and dad, it's not to messy, the bathroom always gets a cleaning when they come and I'm not sure if I will vacume, the floor doesn't look dirty, I'm not home but just a few hours before I hit the sack and am off running again.

I keep trying to make shorter days, but at work it's just to hard to, I said today I would work 2 hours since all my over time, I ended up working 8.

Oh well, I feel like I need a change, I wish I was like those people in movies who get this itch and a few scenes later are buff and beautiful, I wish life was really like that. Instead of taking a few months to lose, or a few years.

Strangeness.

I just have my eye on this blood red dress my mom used to wear in her "thin" days when she was a size 18 and thought she was fat. It's a empire waist gown that goes to the floor and is very 70's. I've always wanted to get in it and wear it to a party with my hair up.

*Sigh*

This might just be my PMS talking, my period should be ending soon since I go through these moments of pure rage and then moments of crying my eyes out, and then dizzy moments. But like I said today I had a PMS moment where I wasn't hungry at all and food sounded gross to me. I tried to practice the violin and got extremely ANGRY at myself because I kept scratching the A cord and it wouldnt stop, then I kept fucking up and I was ready to bash the thing to pieces. I got mad at the teacher who STILL HASN"T CALLED ME that mother fucker! I keep waiting like a goon and he never calls me, what the HELL is that. The other day the post worker asked if I really was taking lessons, I said "yes, how did you know?" and he wouldnt say.

Fucking small towns, everyone knows your fucking shit business. I hate that, the whole town is stalking me.

Mom says I'm a town celebrity and that's what my boss meant when he said I must always act like a "lady" since eyes are on me when I'm out in public.

Fuck that. fuck everyone here, who are they to judge me. The post work said, "how's the agravate?" the paper I work for is the advocate. I wanted to scream, I just looked at him and shook my head and smiled and said, "fine, just fine" it was like a scene from a movie.

It's at the point when I have a epiphany or have some life changing moment and the music comes up and a cut scene shows me fixing things and then the credits come.

I wish my life was a movie with a happy ending, with no more problems.

Oh well I have a headache and shouldn't cry so much because now my ears are stuffed. But I read crying is good because it releases some toxin in your body.

�

pet ramps