What a day. I get completely lost coming home and now I'm home and wanting to go back to being lost in fucking Michigan.

I hate Michigan.

I hate my life.

Sometimes I'd rather be lost in some state and drift around in confusion until I find a place that is "right."

So today my I tell my sister how lucky she is, she's bitching that she's buying our house with all the repairs. She's getting it at $100,000 take or add 10 ... and it's worth much, much, MUCH more than this due to being two streets from campus, in a nice area, new roof, heating a/c, just needs walls painted and floors carpeted, a new porch floor, this is IT. My parents are buying new windows for it, nothing of cost to her.

SO I say, well shit you get a house furnished, washer, dryer, stove, referring. Microwave, dishes, pots, pans, couches, furniture ... I say she should be happy because when *I* come back to Indiana, I will have an apartment with NOTHING, but a bed, pie safe, clocks, a few *antique* chairs ala' can't use or sit on ... and ... this is ALL.

No couches, dishes, stoves or microwaves.

So she gets mad and says, "Well take the fucking couches and stove."

I say, no, I'm just saying you're going to be lucky. And she gets all pissy. She doesn't understand.

She is like "well sorry I've been saving for 3 yrs and make more money than you." I said, I know, that's why I say you're lucky.

She doesn't understand.

I dropped the subject and got angry at her because she doesn't understand where I'm coming from, I'm getting the LOW end of the bargain, Mom and Dad selling the house for such a LOW amount is like GIVING her money, not to mention all the internals of the house. As much as she says, WELL TAKE IT THEN, if I were to take anything that wasn't deemed as "mine" she would flip.

She *DOES FUCKING NOT* understand! Why can't she see this, and then she asks why don't I move in with her and pay HER RENT when I come back. I said, well hell if I'm going to be paying RENT when why not get my own place where I won't be your fucking slave and wash YOUR clothes and dishes and clean the house and have her hold out her hand asking for money for each bill. NO THANKS.

So My life It seems is getting to be a mess....

I want to say fuck it, I'm going out to some where far off where I won't be able to drive and run to mommy and daddy when things fall apart.

Why am I afraid to be alone?

I can't even run anymore, my boss FIRED the higher up boss and my coworker, the two who were having an affair -- and now I have to take up her slack. If I left right now, the paper would be in a total shock because there would be NO ONE to paginate her sections as well as help keep up with my beats.

So now, I have more work put upon me and I'm feeling like ... if this is life...well...I want to cash in my chips.

I remember my boss saying, "well you're going to be working nights, if that's all right, I don't see your social calendar as filled...."

I think of this quote a lot.

I think .... 25-year-old "business" woman, writer, reporter, who's been told she can't write, who's been on a probation period where she could've been fired, I think, 25-year-old girl, single, dateless, loveless, where will she end up, why does she wish sometimes that she was terminally ill so she could bide her time and then chose if she will fight the battle or give up, that choice would be something that wouldn't send her to hell.

Why do I feel like I'm running in circles, but these circles keep getting larger and larger?

I'm tired of this life I'm leading, I don't know how to fix it sometimes, is losing weight the key? Is working harder and harder, only to screw up once and have my boss act like I'm shit?

Can I truly please anyone, I keep trying to and each day, my smiling happy, fake attitude gets to seem a bit more crazy and strained, and I wonder when I will blow?

I'm just tired of everyone, I thought coming home would be the key to my happiness and now that I'm home, I am not happy. My sister is someone I hardly know anymore, her attitude, her decisions, how she treats people. My best friend Vic, how he treats me sometimes, though a joke, I have to wonder, am I as much a friend to him as he is to me? Am I used as a "key" to my sister. Her boyfriend, uses me as a "key" that if I like him, my parents will, and everyone will.

Do my parents think I've failed somehow and that they wonder when they move up to Michigan come November or December how long they will have to live with me in their home?

Is this what my life is? No true friends, no true family? Pookie isn't my friend, how has he ever returned the kindness I've showered on him, the ears that listen to his problems, how I look and help him, and then when I ask the same in return, he doesn't do a thing. I expect returns on my investments into people, you can't give give give and never get anything back, life doesn't work that way.

I'm feeling like the more I give, the more I feel empty, the more I feel like I'm losing myself in all these bad relationships.

I have to wonder if staying here, and my current goals is really what I want out of life. I feel like I must choose to throw myself into my work and "try" to become the best and try to learn or just keep on floating by life and end up old, alone and full of regret.

It's like I wonder where my life is going on this path now, I don't see much but of the same, I know in my heart I want to leave Michigan, nothing keeps me there now except a guilt that me leaving would strain the paper, I guess I feel a bit for the paper that I don't want to wrong them that way after the experience, the key, they are giving me to my next job.

Lately I've been trying to find a way to get away from myself, taking violin lessons, and going to sign up for some art courses, just anything, anymore to get away from my life and self for a little bit. I'm thinking that some long-term hobby is my key, to write, like I always say I will, long or short story, anything, just something until I figure out what I really want because right now I feel like I'm still lost driving around in Michigan, I was to the point while I was so lost in Michigan that I would never see home or anything familiar again, and I felt a panic come and I controlled myself and tears and realized that even with this map of the state in my hand ... there was no clear path, because the paths that I thought would lead me to my home, turned out to be a wrong one until I asked for directions and was told that backtracking would be the shorter route home.

I just have to wonder if somehow, God intended this day to be, a type of metaphor of my life ....

�

pet ramps