what a day yesterday was, it was horrid.

I called for that job at the old place and the woman was nasty mean. I asked if she remembered me and she said NO, I speak with a lot of people all the time, I don't have time for this ... I asked about the job on the site and she cut me off, send in your resume and clippings, I said, the site said to call and she said, well this sure isn't the way to get a job.

I wanted to cry.

She only knows my first name, so I'm sending in my resume and clipping and feel like crap. I emailed her assit. and he hasn't emailed me back, he used to, but now, he hasn't the past two times and I say it's because he doesn't want to be put in a position that I would think I'd be hired, but still it hurts to not be replied to.

I feel in my bones that I've somehow fucked up even though the job posting said to call her and then I did and she was a complete bitch.

I just feel ill, it didn't turn out how I thought it would.

What a bitch, I will never be like if I ever work up the ladder, people are so rude and so selfish nowadays. I hate it.

I also went to get my eyes checked and I was there nearly 2 hrs. They did a good job and the guy asked if I was a twin or born premature, I said no... he said the pigment in my eyes are changing and I'm too young for this. This means my eye color is changing, I don't think it's serious or anything bad, but usually your eyes don't change color until you're older, mine happen to be changing ... now. It happens in 10 percent of the population. I kinda figured this since my sister has told me twice my eyes look bluer and weriod. Which is true, they are VERY weriodly colored, when I was a baby they were blue, then turned aqua, and then for the longest time were a green/blueish and now I see yellow and blue and green. It's very very strange. They are kind of like my mom who has these strange eyes, I call them swedish eyes since my great-grandfather came from sweden, ala my fair skin, blonde hair. My dad's side is very german, but I think there is english decent and french, but I don't see that in myself, I just see german girl. My aunt had strange colored as did my grandfather. So I guess that's what I inherited. My sister and father both have brown eyes.

Sooo anyway, I hope they turn a colbalt blue like my mom's, hers are very strange, they vary from green to that blue. Mine turn a bright aqua blue when I cry, I mean it's a intense color, ooh if they turned that color that'd be cool as hell.

Anyway, I went to work with my eyes dililated, it looked like I was satan, my eyes were BLACK, I looked so strange and couldn't see well, and had to work on a computer to finish my work. I felt so motion sick and had such a headache, I was upset about the job and just wanted to cry my eyes out. I didn't cry but when I got in my car to think about the day I did let out a sobby-type sigh and caught my tears. Then thought, okay, Jen, you're still okay, you'll be okay, it's coming sooner or later.

My mom thinks I'm psychic, I don't know about that. I used to think something was coming, a job and soemtimes I feel it deep in my stomach that soon something will make me feel nervous and excited and strange, and hopefully this feeling is a job prospect. I still want to go back to school I miss it, crave it. If only I could get a job at the paper, I would be oh so better off in the long run. God pleaseeeeeeeeeeee, though I am happy to be applying for this job, even if I don't get it, it's nice to feel this excitment and wonder that possibly, maybe this will be the one.

My dad said, Do you want to work for this lady? She's so rude? I worked with her before, but more with her assistant, so I can handle her if I've handled my boss I can handle anyone I think. I just want to get the ball rolling, I need a change, though my boss told me how happy he is to have me working there and that I'm their Trump card and that I am the solution to the papers problems, it was a sweet moment and naturally in my sarcastic manner kept thinking that maybe he sniffs me applying for these jobs and sees my continuous unhappy state and now I cope with quite well. Maybe I am desensitized from my own emotions and feelings and now am just a go go go go person and never think about how much I'm unhappy so that I won't break down and cry for hours and break down.

I still have yet to call the mental assoc. I feel scared, yesterday when the eye doc was asking me questions about my personal life I felt like a clam as I shut up and didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to feel like I'm just a cry baby and that I over think things and didn't want to have to explain because I was being fake and if I were to tell them the whole truth as to my feelings I wouldn't be able to because I don't even know or can put how things are into words anymore. It's hard and I'd rather not think on it, and forget about it for now.

OH WELL. I got my new fitness/health magazine and found a good 8 weeks weightlifting/exercise plan, I think I'm going to do it. It sounded cool.

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pet ramps