Geez I ate badly today. I went to Mcdonald's for lunch got a fat ass meal and ate it all. Damn it.

Dinner wasn't eventful, I made chicken salad with that pre-cooked chicken and it was so gross, it was just fatty pieces of chicken! EW, so I tossed that shit out and munched on jelly beans and junk like that.

My boss was weriod today and then I saw him at the store and he took my cart, I was ready to grab him because I didn't know it was him, I wanted to say get the fuck away from me already. SO I have to work 3 to 11 all next week, so that'll be nice coming home to damn late. At least I can exercise in the mornings.

Oh well, my parents are coming up this weekend, so I'm alone on my days off, friday and Saturday. I plan to putz around all day for those days and sleep and exercise and clean my car out.

It'll be fun.

Oh well, I'm watching that Gay Wedding Story on E! network. Damn ... if I were gay I'd be like those gay guys on the show and go to some exotic location with just a few people. I kind of feel sorry for gay people, I mean the stereotype and all that shit, people hating you.

If you think about it, it's similar to being fat. The fat stereotype, how people hate us, and how it seems like it will never ever change.

Oh well, I bet I've gained at least 5 lbs today. This sucks ass.

I need to get back to basics. Come on jennnn.

Oh well damn I liked that gay guys wedding, it was outside and at the end these air cannons set off petals ... that was cool. I want that if I should EVER get married. But men seem to avoid me like the plague anymore.

I might as well just become a nun.

Oh well that job I applied for is filled already but the guy said to send my clippings anyway to file away in case of any other job opps. I haven't been called from the other job I tried for at my old paper, each day that glimmer of hope defuses a little bit and deep down, I know they won't call because that I'm a reporter and they'll think I'm going for that job just to get in there.

I have that feeling, and yesterday my mom talked about how I might be there in November.

After I hung up with her I felt so hopeless and felt such despair. I cried into my blanket and kept my eyes shut and kept thinking that I could be here that long, and that if I am, I will probably be here forever. Each day mom says the job market at home is so bad, it's like she's saying, stop bothering Jen. So I cried ... despair, despair, the saddness in my bedroom was very very heavy, I felt despiteful of my mom and family because she told me they were going out to dinner, and they were doing this and that, all I could think and feel was that I am

somehow

left

behind.

This is a main theme in my life, I always have felt like I'm the odd man out, in teams of four, I'm the fifth.

That is just how my life seems to be, so I'm here and becoming hard in many ways to the world and my family and friends and somehow I keep thinking,

Should I leave and go for those jobs in Ohio, Fl., lower Illinois??

I keep wondering when it will be my turn to get the hell out of here. I'm feeling fed up anymore, I told my mom that I am getting tired of this shit and I need a change soon and she said ... I know.

Yeah, I thought, sure. You yelled and screamed at me to just deal with it.

I'm tired of dealing and just want a glimmer of hope, a interview, would be nice, even if I dont' get that job, just something to say, 'hey jen, you know, you are wanting and talented.'

Anymore my paper makes me feel like I can't write, all I do is paginate, I want to write, I'm tired of sitting in the office all day and not being able to do things with the court or cops, I don't want to do this multi-task shit anymore, just give me one task.

I don't know what I want though, write all day or paginate all day, I like both, but mostly I miss writing so much more than I can imagine since the past month I've increasingly paginate more and more.

It's like, am I fooling myself?? Am I not a reporter? I feel like maybe this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing, maybe I shouldn't be paginating either, I'm never certain what I should be doing anymore. I don't remember the last time I felt content and overly happy. Have I ever felt that way??

I think I need a man, a relationship, something serious.

�

pet ramps