I left my damn cell phone on again with AOL AIM signed on and missed like 10 IM's! Geez o pete, everyone must think I'm a bitch because I didn't reply back or that I'm mad. I hate technology sometimes.

Oh well, I feel like I've gained so much weight, I eat terribly, horrid! I keep saying in my mind that when I go back to Michigan I'll hit it hard with diet and exercise. I should begin now, today!

Tomorrow I'm going to Indianapolis for my boss, he was kind of me through email and I feel better now that I won't be returning to a pissed off boss. Though some fellow employees might be angry because they had to take my slack, they can kiss my ASS because each of them had vacations for a full week and dumped me with their shit. If they get shitty, I will too.

I swear a new Jenny has emerged. I don't know if it's because of reporting, but anymore I can walk up to people and talk with them like nobodies business. It's like even guys, cute guys, I'm like "hey, how's it going" and then I interview them ... in real life I say the same thing and then realize I'm not interviewing them for a story and then get scared. So far I've done pretty well, I try to talk louder and seem to listen and my reporters cap is to make everything people say sound "cool" or interesting. It makes them feel good and like me more/trust me a hell of a lot more. We media always have a bad rap, and sometimes we should.

Anyway, I'm feeling like I don't want to leave here, but I know I couldn't live at home if I came home for good. I cannot stand it here with my parents. Maybe in Michigan it was different because I worked all day long. Maybe because you could walk outside in a large yard and it was cool and shaded and there was the garden to pick at. I don't know, but here my parents have flipped out. I can't stand it, I feel like I'm in a rat cage sometimes. I don't mind my sister, though I do sometimes. This house is a complete, utter, mess. I'd be embrassed if anyone were to drop by, it's cluttered with grandma's house-over spill and then my sister who is a fucking SLOB's school SHIT, not to mention her clothing and shoes she leaves everyone, on the stairs that people have fallen over twice ... very dangerous to say the least ... my dog who has peed in the house because he's a little FUCK who will pee if no one is in the room .... the house smells like PISS on hot days, it makes me ILL.

These things I say, I'd rather have an apartment, fuck living here unhappyily.

I can go on and on, grandma's white couch now looks gray with my sister leaving a pencil mark on one side of the pillow, the other is where she spilt nail polish in pink.

This house is like the book Tobacco Road. It makes me fucking sick!

Like I said, everyone says, "why leave in a apartment where the money goes nowhere, when you can live at home and save?" Well because at home I'd feel upset and unhappy with the people I'd live with and the chaos of a dirty, messy house that makes me fucking sick to my stomach. I won't lie I'm a neat-freak, my sister isn't, I'm tired of this....

I got a job offer from Ohio yesterday, I was like damn I wish it was IN or IL. But no... I sometimes wonder if moving far away might help me out, but I don't think it would.

I read this girls diary yesterday the virgin turned 'woman' with new boyfriend. I suppose we're near the same age and I sometimes wonder if I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

I know I'm young and my mom bawks when I say, "don't wish for grandkids from me..." I can't see myself married or with kids, though I want both, I am a non-committment girl who runs away from relationships.

I mean seriously, I suck at dating, I completetly suck and I refuse to date in Michigan and Mr. Schaumberg, IL man is to far and I'm not willing to drive, nor is he, so what have we? He said he'd be glad to see me twice a month because I live in Michigan, I kept thinking, does he think I'm going to do it with him? fat chance.

Oh well, I've a head-ache and I'm going to go shower and hopefully not get mad at ma, who's already being a complete bitch to everyone today, she has been since she came back here, like cruel, mental abuse mean. My sister was in tears last night about how mean she's been. I felt sorry for her and I was like, you just have to ignore her and get away. She wanted to 'confront' ma but you just can't, you must realize she thinks she is always right and that you're wrong, that's just how she is, it's a sad thing and she does not, ever, listen or try to see your side. That is her completely, maybe her father and ma was like that, but that is just how she is and there is no point in saying and argueing. I said the only thing my sis could do is say, you make me feel this way, or when you said this I felt like this...and do these things when she does them instead of blowing up.

Then I said it's not even worth it since she won't get it, she'll never understand, we've all a growingly worse relationships in this family. I think because we're trying to grow up (I'm 25, she's 26) and my parents aren't letting us be adults. We still have to ASK to go out at night or ASK if we can buy something big...though it's with our own money, yes we cater to this by asking, but if we even complain they say there is the door .... Our hands our tied. The only escape is when they move to Michigan (4 hours away) in June of 2003 or if I or my sister moves out. That is the only way, I have a semi-personal freedom in Michigan, though I don't have anyone to hang out with and there are no clubs, bars, or anything like that there. But still I can lay in bed all day without my mom yelling at me to get up or I can spill a glass of pop without having to apologize profusely to my mom who's flipping out.

It's things like that that don't make me miss home, I realize now, I just miss my friends and this location that is familiar and that I love. Here I know I have my sister and our friends to help us in a bind, I have pooks there if I want to go out and drink or to talk to if I'm afraid to walk in the house at night.

I've realize, I love the region and just want a semi-old life back. I don't want to live at home when I come back, I might for a while, but then, I want to get my own place, no matter how shitty. I don't need this extra stress, I feel like I've missed out on so much in my life because of my upbringing, it's no ones fault, I blame no one, it's just a thing that I feel I can change and must change and to quit being afraid of the unknown changes that will occur in life.

I feel a very very weighing need to also begin relatiohships with men, I think I need the experience and see what I've been missing out. I haven't had a serious relationship since high school, and I wonder why.

Now that I've lost 20 lbs I feel more myself and see others see this and are welcoming in speaking to me. What will happen with another 20 lb loss...etc.? I want to see this...happen...I need it to happen, I need to start living my life and not the life that others have plotted out on a map.

My sister has realized that I've already been defiant in nature, with my parents pushing me towards teaching, I put my foot down after a semester of teaching classes and said NO, I went into english, found journalism and am here. I've moved away from home twice now, first disney and now Michigan, so I guess I'm taking small steps, I should make decisions and not what my parents say and OK with. WHY DO I STILL ASK PERMISSION FOR MY LIFE?

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pet ramps