I feel like I don't update anymore, or say anything that I haven't said a million time and I bet I'm a pretty boring and whiny girl a lot of the time.

Today, I found another job to apply for and right now I'm looking at it like, another one I send off to war and will never hear from again. I'm beginning to feel like it's not even worth the effort anymore.

My mom keeps saying, "they are probably just looking like you don't have enough experience," and then I feel like I'll never be good enough for any employment, so why even send out anything more.

I can't fanthom how many resumes I've sent out since I've been here, I believe I can honestly say it's more than 10, maybe more than 15 ... something in that range.

Lately, I've the feeling that something ... is coming. My mom says she feels it too. But I feel it deep inside, in the root of me. I feel like a big change, good or bad, something, just something is going to be coming up for me really soon. I feel afraid at the same time silly since it's probably just me feeling antsy that my parents are leaving Sunday ... until ... next summer. I mean some weekends and holidays ... but not full time living. So that's me here alone, again and again.

I don't mind living alone, just don't like living here so far away. I can understand those who move with husbands and boyfriends to far away from home locations, but me, I'm here strictly alone and haven't met any friends, though I've tried desperately. So I realize, I'm alright alone until I want to go shopping or see a movie, or go out and eat and have a night on the town with people I feel comfortable with ... and that is what I don't find here.

So I try for all these jobs, all in Illinois because there are none in the area of Indiana I want. I did talk to my old job -- well I guess a "connection" I have ... she's head of the online team and we had lunch one day. We're very very much alike, we look like sisters. I mean she's yound and fat .. like me. We look alike, though she's bigger than me. I don't know anymore how I look to people. I feel huge and sometimes I don't. ANYWAY, I sent her my resume/samples for a pagination job, she says the turn out is a year-round type of deal, with folks coming and going. Hopefully I can get in the coming part somehow. She said she'd pass my resume/clippings on to some editors. Though in my mind, I see her getting my resume and just panning it off to a small out box on her desk, or the paper shredder, I know this is bad thinking, but sometimes that is how I feel when I send my resumes out and hear nothing, I think of my clippings, my hard work, throw out as just another piece of paper.

Am I just a piece of paper to these people? I think of how I struggle to steal newspapers with my articles in it, just to send out of these people who just trash them in the end. I must be realistic.

Anyway, I'm kicking on with my weight loss again, my mom said it looks like I've lost again though I've been eating badly. I said, it's the stress from last weekend. I didn't know stress affects me this much to make my metabolism rev up. It's really weriod to see this happen to me. I keep thinking, gosh what would I do if I just kept losing weight like a fool, kind of like the movie Thinner. Somehow I don't think that'll happen to me, if anything it would signify that there is something wrong internally. But I feel fine, just have headaches ... ala just stress related junk. Happy. Happy.

Anyway, I had two incidents with men in two days. I'm not used to being "hit on." I once talked to this former-fatty who lost weight and couldn't deal with men hitting on her. I wonder is this going to be me? I had a creep creepy look me all over while I waited to get into the court office to do my reporting. I was afraid he was so yucky, he kept asking me question and looking at me, no, not looking staring. It's strange to think, is this person hitting on me, or just being overly nice to a stranger? This happened again today while I was buying a cell phone with my parents, my mom left the store and I was there just with my dad. The guy, though kinda cute, but with strange guys, was a bit smiley smile and giddy to show me how a cell phone works. My dad looked at me side-ways as I entertained the man's explaination of the phone. I kept thinking, what is this, what is going on?

I don't want to be one of those girls who is damaged, yet I know I am. If he would've said, hey you want to go out? I think I'd blush like mad and get giggly and stupid and say ... um..okay...like a dumbass. Then we'd go out and I'd stress that I'm to fat to be dating a skinny man and then I would fuck it up and be strange and stand-offish and give wrong signals and that would be it. I'd be left feeling like crap... cause I fucked it up. But as it goes with my resumes ... I haven't had any offers and am not expecting any soon.

I told my mom today that that girl I know at my old job who could be a sister to me, who looks like me but fatter, was married twice. I couldn't believe it ... in my mind, I see myself as fat, imperfect and no one wants a fat girl. I mean I can't date anyone because I'm fat, and in my mind, that's horrible. It's like a handicap, I can't get past it and don't expect others to accept it. I know it's wrong to think that way, I don't know where it came from, I think my aunt used to tell me that, but I'm not sure, I can't remember or else I blocked it out.

Oh well, we'll see, I will lose and continue to try to be more outgoing or something to that nature.

I'll keep sending out resumes and continue to update my diary with things that I've talked about forever and could probably safely say that my diary is a copy, of a copy of a copy ... it's the same ol' shit with the words moved around.

�

pet ramps