Sometimes when I wake up in the morning if I will ever go through a day where I don't feel tired.

I know I'm burnt out at my job, each day feels like I work longer and longer and each day I become resentful to everyone. I spend more time at work than at home and then I spend most of my time at home looking for new jobs.

Everyone tells me how good of writer and worker I am yet I never get an interview anywhere. I wonder why I got in this field and how easier anything else would've been. I don't know why or how I got in this profession, I do indeed like to write and be creative, but at what cost?

Today I began an article I didn't want to do at first, I wrote a excellent, fantastic beginning and realize how simple writing is for me sometimes. As I interviewed the woman I already had the story in my mind, I had the page layouts and the photos as well. Everything was done and I realized how far I've gone lately in my profession. I jumped another hurdle into experience. Now I am awaiting my next hurdle into a new job.

My boss put another job on me, I have to paginate the tv guide for our paper. This means I will not be able to take days off anymore, seriously, it will be to hard to take days off and I don't like this. He is slowly pushing me out of my court and cop beat, now that I am friends and have the in's and out's he is going to hire on a guy full time to help me out in my beats, I don't want this, I love my beats, I love court. I'd rather be there than paginating. yes, Paginating is where the money is, and experience, but it's not what I love, yes I like it, but courts anymore is something that I find relaxing to watch someone in the hot seat and then see the judge hollar at the people. I love it, I'll have to tell my boss.

I realized today my boss is an asshole. I have been very quiet and meek lately because i'm so stressed and overworked because we have people on vacation and I have to take their slack. he doesn't see this and acts like I just sit on my ass flicking the mouse all day. Today as we talked in the meeting, he looked at me and I looked back and didn't even smile, and he stared at me and said, "someone get a mirror to see if Jen is still breathing."

I wanted to say fuck off you bastard, now you know why I want to leave and oh I can't wait to leave, mark my words, I will leave very soon, too soon for you.

Anyway, I have to get new glasses, I keep having bad headaches and blurry vision cause of these old glasses of mine. I also need to call for my appointment for the therapist person, my insurance says I get 20 visits then I guess I gotta pay. I'm wondering how long I'll have to go. I was thinking what, once a week? Everyone two weeks? I don't know how this stuff works and mostly I'm afraid and scared because I know of no one who's gone to a mental health place, calling was hard for me and these next steps will be hard, I break down in tears whenever I talk about it, what will they think of me. I talked to my sis a little about it and I started crying just talking over IM, but I always do that, people don't know it, fingers don't cry.

I wonder and worry that I'm just whining and being dramatic and I wonder if I know the difference between these things. I wonder why I feel like no one listens to me and I say it and I feel it and yet I don't know if it's true anymore.

I wonder if they'll put me on some happy drug and then wonder if I will have to do stupid vision shit like vision myself skinny and cool or something stupid like that. Maybe the shrink can tell me why I"m fat and why I eat and have low self esteem.

A shrink is kind of like a tarot reader, you tell them a few things and then they interpet what they see of you. The shrink just writes down what you say, the tarot reader just lays down the cards, they both give you hope, false or real, it's hope in a pure form, any form of hope is good. They both make you feel like they understand you and that's all we want isn't it. I am worried anymore, worried about my life, future, worried how I act in public.

I wake up each day and look in the mirror my hair is crazy, in curls and wild and then I rake it back with my fingers into a ponytail with the crazy curls sticking out of the tail. It's kind of symbolic, my two personalities. My crazy, wild, fun Jenny self that little people see in little times with little doses and then the boring professional "everything's alright" Jen with her ponytail with the wild hair that lets you wonder that maybe she is cool or sometimes herself.

But to Jenny, no one wants to take the time to dig in and see what she's about because they already have made up there minds, she's quiet, boring, she's Jen.

Right now I keep getting the image in my mind of when I'm driving home to Indiana .... from my car window I always see this bend in the highway and it's when I see this bend, is when I begin to bubble with excitement that home is miles away, but I'm on the road to it, inching closer and closer with each mile.

I feel like that sometimes, and right now I feel that I am nowhere near home, I'm in the Ozarks, I'm fearing that I'll never get home and turn out to loathe all and have some time of break down.

I wonder if the gene in my family of mental illness is stuck in me somewhere lurking and awaiting to show its face at the right time.

It's like, kind of like ... this dream I keep having, in my dream this thing is killing people I know, from high school to today, it kills them and I watch and know it won't hurt me. I know when they're with me, they will get hurt and die, yet I don't tell them, never warn them and deep down delight in this knowledge. The thing that kills scares me in my dream and I try to close it away in a thin wooded door with slats of wood missing, something it could break though, but in my mind, I know nothing can keep it away, it's always there and I welcome it and I hate it, and I don't know what it symbolizes in my life.

I'm wondering if it symbolizes me.

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pet ramps