I gained 5 lbs during my trip home, I don't know if I've lost since then, I tend to lose when I'm here in Michigan and working my million hours.

Anyway, I called the Mental Association today at work while everyone was at lunch. I dialed the number and asked if they accepted my insurance, the woman said she didn't think so, but could call if I'd give her the info, then she kept going on about how I could pay for mental health with two ways ... it was very overwhelming, I said "I'll call them ... I'll get back to you ..." then she said what do you need mental health or drug addition? "mental health" I said in a low voice, kind of muffled because I was embrassed and felt strange. Two boys sat in the back of the office and I wondered if they heard me. I then got self conscious and wondered if she thought I was nuts. I felt so strange, I wanted to scream when I got off the phone. So much pressue and things to do just to talk to someone. She said I would start off by seeing a social worker, then go from there. She said she would help me, if I wanted to come in, to find a way to pay.

It was as if I was in a straight-jacket already. I told my Mom and she was like, why do you need to go there? I said,"I just need to..." and left it that, I've made up my mind and she has no say.

I'm also going to call for new glasses, I have horrible headaches anymore, and I think my glasses prescription are out! I hate going to eye glass exams, when they squirt that air in your eye to see if you have some disease then put that yellow drops in your eye to make your pupils enlarge. I just want to say, I dont' want any of that shit, just flip those glasses around and tell me how bad my eyes got. It's strange to think I could go blind one day with my type of eyes ... astigmatism ... I read that you can go blind with it, but I guess I could get eye surgury if it got that bad. SOmething I'm worried about is my hearing, while at Disney I had a hearing test and they told me my right ear is borderline hearing problem! I wanted to cry, I thought my hearing was perfect.

Oh well, this insurance business is so confusing, my insurance says I can go to 20 mental health therapies ... then ... I wonder ... what? Must I pay out of my pocket then??? only 20? is 20 enough??

Oh well I have a horrible headache right now, I woke up early and was stressed all day. I keep having nightmares as well, people dying and me knowing and seeing it ... I keep it a secret in my dream because I know there is nothing to do about it ... no one cares.

I keep wondering why I want to go to mental health, mom asked me why, I wanted to say why, but I didn't know exactly why. I want to say I have relationship problems, but it seems like so much more. It's personal relationships, it's feeling like I can't survive without living with my parents, it's me who can't grow up, I just feel like I need to go to figure out why why why ... why what? I just can't point out, and that worries me, what if they ask me why I decided to come? What do I say? "I Just thought I needed to..?" I will probably just say, I have relationship problems...but it's so much more than that, that's just the begining doc.

I'm also worried that like most people, they won't listen and just blow me off. Or think I'm whining or just a pitty pat. I don't want to be put on any drug, though I'd welcome it if they said I needed it.

I will begin proceedings with this soon, maybe when mom and dad leave on Monday, I will sit here on my own and call my insurance, then call the mental health and then see what both have to say and make an appointment. Then I'll feel like I made a mistake when I sit down with the social worker, and then I will probably cry when I leave.

�

pet ramps