I had to add another update for today since tomorrow I won't update. (I updated today with a photo of myself.)

Anyway, I ate badly today, but it felt great. I know when I step on the scale and reality comes crashing in, I will regret eating this way, but in a way I don't care. I had a good time, that's all that matters.

I also smoked tonight. I don't smoke all the time, just once in a while. I don't know why, I guess a rebelion of sorts.

Anyway, I've got a headache tonight and feel sick. I think the a/c is killing me slowly. Yuck.

Again I'm leaving tomorrow and again I'm hating to leave. Each time I come home I just feel like I'm home for good and the bad times are behind me and it's like old times. I don't miss my parents when I'm home. I really don't, I'm around my sister and friends and I dont miss them, is this wrong?

I found another job to apply for, in Lincolnwood, IL. which is 40 mins from my house, it's past Chicago a ways. It's a job I can actually go for. I mean I have all that it asks for though it says it only pays in the 20's. I guess I can go for it and hope and pray it's at least 24 or 25. But, anyway, I'm awaiting two other jobs I applied for that are two I again have hope for.

So anyway my Mom was strange on the phone today and gave the phone over to dad which spells "I'm mad at you." All because I said I didn't want to go to Michigan and wish I could stay here. She makes me want to scream sometimes.

I've decided to go see a psychologist in Michigan. Well, well well only if my insurance pays for it. I cannot afford to pay out of my pocket with my car payment, visa and then saving money. I don't have that $100 dollars session type of money to blow on my mental issues.

Boy that last sentence was hard to type out, geez brain fart. I swear sometimes I can just write and write because I know how to put it into words and other times I know how I'm feeling but my fingers don't know how to put it into words. I hate that.

So I am feeling really tired and sad and sick right now. I want to cry because I don't want to go back to Michigan. I have the pictures in my head of when my parents leave in about 2-3 weeks and I will be alone again, which won't be that bad after awhile. BUT when I'm coming home at 11 at night and it's so dark and I'm so scared to walk in the house and then realize I'm there by my lonesome, I will want to cry and most likely I will.

I don't know, it scares me to death living there, out in the open. I should deal with it shouldn't I? I just hate hate hate coming at home at night! Thank God it's only one night a week, but still I just want to cry when I think about it.

My main thing I want to ask the psychatrist is how come I'm so dependant on others, why can't I live alone and be alright, after living alone from March to late-June, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

I keep remembering that this year I spent my birthday alone and working all day. It was horrible.

When I think of these things, it's when I feel like ... just giving up. Letting go and failing.

It's times like this I wonder why I try so hard and why I'm passed over so easily. It's times like this I hate myself because of how I act and am scared to be alone, though I readily am applying for these jobs in Chicago and beyond, where I will need an apartment and wa-la be living alone again. I wish I knew what I wanted. I feel like crying, sobbing and then sleeping for a week right now.

Yuck, I still taste the cigarettes in my mouth.

I can't believe, seriously, that pooks did not call me **ONCE** while I was home. I'm taking him off my buddy list. >:( SOME FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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pet ramps