It's been a while since I last updated. Lord knows that I haven't updated anything else at all ... web pages especially.

Though I feel and wonder.

Does anyone notice or care?

Cause I wouldn't, it's just the web.

Anyway, Pooks isn't coming up tomorrow, he said he got a bad ashma attack, yadda yadda hospital, on steroids and feeling ill still.

Is this a hoax or the truth? I never know anymore, so I just say, "okay."

Anyway, I realized how grumpy I am lately, more aggressive. I saw some kids today who were full of shit walking down the highway and jumping in the traffic and nearly causing an accident, I was ready to run out there and scream at them.

Oh well, I am doing okay on Atkins, been kinda cheating a lot lately, though even when I'm cheating it's not as bad as I was before I began.

Today I had a chili foot long hot dog, with fruit punch, it was lovely. I came home and did my bands and then walked. I made dinner, low carb pizza crust with tomato sauce and cheese with green pepper.

I had one piece and that crust was nasty ass. So I scrapped the cheese off and ate that and threw the crusts away. Breakfast was an egg with three sausage links.

So that's not too terribly bad, though I did have fudge ... mmm.

Anyway I am working again this weekend, like a fool, working hard hard hard without anyone really noticing except myself. I felt crappy today, so I said I'm only working 1/2 a day since I worked last Saturday. So I am asking for next Friday off cause my sister is coming up and I want to go shopping, but I know I will have to work that Friday morning cause I have to paginate and the girl who can do it, probably won't be there, I will have to ask my boss though, he might be a complete ass hole though, we'll see won't we?

Anyway, I need a vacation, I mean it's like I am over worked and then expected to work more. Sometimes when I'm driving home I feel like pulling over and sleeping in the warm sun on my passenger seat. That would be so nice, just some time off, something. It's like my life is just wake up, get dressed, eat, work, eat lunch, and then come home, eat dinner ... that's life for me anymore.

My parents are beginning to get on my nerves, just today I was sitting here all grumpy as I am now and they keep asking me stupid things and trying to be funny when I am tired and want to be left alone.

Then the other day, I was talking to this lady and lo and behold she says I should be more social and get a boyfriend etc. As if it's that easy to do. Men here are all married, or dating. Everyone knows everyone here and it's obvious no one wants to know me.

So I'm home sick, I want to go home where at least I have a chance at a date once in a while. Something. I'm so tired of smelling bonfires at night, the fireworks the kids put off, I'm tired of the cold nights, I'm tired of worrying about being pulled over by the fucking million cops they have here, I'm tired of the boring ol' shit hole, I am so so tired of my co-workers.

I just need a break and I need a dose of hope to get home for a job.

I've sent out two resumes and now my stomach churns when I realize they have my resume in their hands, or shredder, right now, and then I wonder if they are going to call me or just ignore me like every other resume I sent out.

I'm ready to try for paginating jobs. There is one near my house, though, my hours would be nights and weekends, which I dont' particiarly like. I want to write not sit on my ass all day.

I pray that publishing job comes through, it seems so exciting and fun. It's in Chicago and it has a bit of everything. I see it as a stray from reporting, but so what, my options are open, I'm ready for something new, I'm still feeling my way out to see what I want out of my shit life.

I feel so pityful. I feel so single and alone anymore. Sometimes I see jobs in Florida and Washington and I just wonder if I should just try for those.

Anyway, I am at 279 still, thanks to cheating and a period from hell, I kept at the same weight for nearly 2 weeks now. I think my exercise has helped me not gain. That's great news to me. Now I want to get serious into losing again and then I am faced with more cheats and a tired willpower.

Am I whining?

I am okay with the food choices lately, I mean a salad or left overs for lunch is okay with me, I am saving a lot of money from not carting my ass to Mcdonald's, KFC or Wendy's. Plus saving a load of calories. I am afraid my sister will try to sabotage me, she cannot stand that I, and my family, is losing, she likes to be the queen and believe she is the skinny one, though we're only a size or two different. She hates this, and I have to wonder why, even if she does it unconsciously. I don't talk about it because then it doesn't bother her all that much.

Oh well, I feel crappy, shit shit today. Someone has a bonfire right now and the smell is coming through the window, it's getting chilly out, tonight it will be in the 50's. In the morning I find it hard to just get up. I really need a change, God read this journal. I think I need help.

�

pet ramps