Today was a kind of long day, I went out to dinner with my sister and our friend, then me and my sister went and saw the divine ya-ya sisterhood. It was better than I thought, the reviews were all C's, but I thought it was a B.

It got me thinking about my own Mom and then how everyone blames their mom for their fucked up qualities.

I guess we are fucked up by how we were brought up, no one is brought up perfect, so of course we all have those, "it's my mom's fault" days.

My sister seems to have of the blame of Mom's wrong doing's of raising her then I. I can see where I've learned to have a bad body image from my mom, dad and my aunt. From being made fun of, to watching my mom diet and diet, my dad gawk at skinny girls as if they might be something better, to my aunt telling me I have a pretty face if only I'd lose, or that you won't get married "like that."

I think what struck me, is in the movie the mother does realize she was wrong. Yet my own mom never realizes she has done wrong and never ever ever apologizes.

I think what fucked me and my sister up is our family meetings. It wasjust my parents yelling at us, whatever we said was instantly wrong, they were always right, that is how it is to this day, so when we get in a fight the maturity of our adulthood strikes out and tries to fight back, yet my parents still won't reason with us, therefore me and my sister are treated like kids.

We were raised to be dependent on them, to forever ask if it's okay if we go out tonight.

That is how it is, how will it ever change?

Oh well, I also liked seeing Ashley Judd in the movie, damn she is so pretty, even when they try to make her ugly she's still pretty.

I kept wondering how it feels to be pretty, skinny, like her.

I just wonder how that feels to have someone look at you and admire you, to not look at you and say, well she is chubby ....

I know the pretty people are treated much more different in society. But that's the human race, the survival of the prettiest, or at least that what I heard from this science show. If a human sees a potential mate and that person looks "diseased" in anyway, they skip on.

It's true, I saw this on a show. Nothing against the retarded, but we don't see "normal" people date the retarded, we don't see extremely ugly people on the wedding pages.

It's just life.

And you begin to wonder, just where you fit in.

Anyway, in my ponderings, I actually saw a guy check me out today, very strange for me. You get that look, then they look away, then they look back, then you look away and you look back and they see you look at them and they look away fast. It's so silly. I didn't even look my best, though my hair was cute and I had on my good lipstick, I was dressed like a teenager. Hm. then the cashier tried to fuck with me, I guess I had a look or aura today for people to mess with my mind, don't get that much anymore, I felt bad for the cashier I thought he was serious and I was ready to rumble with him, and he laughed at me. Silly silly men.

I think maybe me being fat has to do with just that, men. I freeze up around men and believe they are just flirting because I"m a fat girl, some joke.

This is my mind set, if that guy who was checking me out said, hey want to go out? I'd be like, NO.

Now where did I get this mind set? Being fat means I'm worthless, who'd want to date a fat girl other than to mock her to your friends?

So what if I lose the weight and then realize, hey it wasn't the weight keeping me from dating, maybe it's my issues.

Then what?

I shouldn't worry much, I'm going back to Michigan tomorrow which means back to married men, or single men with 10 kids and no job, or the lather.

No thanks, I hate you Michigan, I cannot wait to leave your silver shores, the clean air, happy families and orchards.

I was looking at the streets here, and the people and I felt instantly homesick, I couldn't remember street names or phone numbers, only shit Michigan things.

I feel doomed again, the extended probation my boss threw at me, still has me reeling, I can't shake that day though he told me not to worry about it and take it to heart. I just can't help think about it all the time, then feel mixed when I thinking of coming home and realize that in September it will be 8 months, then 9, 10, 11, a year. Then where will I be? Will I still be there? Will I still be there in a month?

So nice to throw this probation on me in my birthday month. I keep wondering when my dues will be paid up, and if my dues will overflow.

Then I worry on coming home, no parents, just me and my sister, then what, will I be happy then? Or was I ever happy, I don't recall.

I want the old days back, back when I was so full of hope and vigor, like going to Michigan would've been great, though I will say I knew it before hand, I knew it when pooks said goodbye on the highway and I sobbed in my car all the way up there, I knew it.

Even to this day when I think of seeing him follow me on the on ramp and on the highway flashing his lights and honking and then getting next to my car and we just looked at each other with a realization that things were changing and that those daily phone calls would be over for a while and weekend party time gone, I knew I'd made a mistake, I was happy when he pulled off on the next exit because I had lost it, and he said he cried as well, maybe he knew it too. Maybe we all knew it.

oh well I better get to bed, it's nearly 12 and that's 1 in Michigan time. My stomach hurts tonight, to much junk food.

I just noticed the keyboard here is losing the key marks, the g looks too light, to much typing on this ol' keyboard. It's strange to think how many miles of words you've typed in a lifetime, enough to fill a library probably. Then you wonder how many of those words hurt people, made them happy, made them cry, and then you realize, it's only just words and you wonder if those miles of words you've written in your life time are remembered at all by anyone.

Kind of like that Fight Club quote "everything is static, everything is falling apart." Damn I love that movie.

Oh well, my friend gave me a turtle today, it's just a baby too. He found it in the rail yard where he works. I put warm water in his tank and tried to touch him but he is afraid of me and runs from me and I only hope he'll get used to my fingers one day and not want to bite them off. I named it Franklin. But his full name is Franklin D. Terdie, Frankie for short.

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pet ramps