I thought I would update my journal while at work. No one is here today except me, and it's 9:30 and I have to leave in 10 minutes to walk down to a Memorial Day parade.

It's in the 60's and a bit humid, it's been raining nearly since this morning, so it's nice I'm in my work clothes and will have to walk a block in dress shoes with a digital camera, my purse, a reporter's notebook and a Mickey Mouse umbrella.

I don't feel like being a reporter today, I'm tired, my parents are leaving which means I'll sleep bad for the next two weeks until they come up again. I just can't sleep alone in Michigan, I get so afraid of people breaking in all the time, I think I watch to many cop shows. In Hammond whenever I sleep there alone, I am alright, I go to sleep a bit scared, but nothing like here. But my parents are coming up for good in two weeks, so I will cherish my alone time. I am worried about not getting a job and having to stay here alone again, since they leave in mid-August and Dad doesn't retire until the end of November. So that's four months. I do not want to be here for another winter, I caught the tail end when I came here and I hated it, it snowed everyday and shoving a drive-way and then worrying if I would get stuck, no thank you. It snowed all the way into MAY, yes May, and that's just shitty.

I wrote my grandma and told her about my job, it's hard not to sound negative when you realize you've made a mistake and then realize how pityful you are that you cannot be alone and without friends and family. You begin to wonder how people in the real world do it, if I had went away to college, I think I would be so different.

Anyway, this morning I kept thinking about Disney, what IF I had finished that internship? I do not regret my choice of leaving, though I cannot say "look at me now," because now I am very bitter and sad/depressed just by being here.

In my career I guess you could say I am "happy" I got what I need, experience, but in my personal life, I have to laugh, it sucks.

Oh well I'm going to go back home on June 7th because my friend is a member of the Field Museum and has a backstage tour tickets, they close the museum for this. I've always loved history and museums, I majored in history for awhile, and wanted to be a curator, but ... life happend and I realized it would be to hard and that I don't know enough in history....I could've though, but...I changed my mind to teaching, then to writing, now here I am.

Am I happy reporting? I sometimes feel like I don't know.

Today I hated everything, my life, just everyone, people, everything.

It's just one of those days where people who kill themselves must feel like everyday.

I felt like looking at pretty things today, like flowers, or the blue sky, but nothing was like that today. Gray skies and flowers themselves seemed ugly in color.

I don't know, each time my parents leave I get in this funk. I feel tired and I feel like things will never get better to where I'm happy.

I suppose I am coping better, and my ambition to get a job at home leaves me feeling scared.

I wonder, what if I get a job at home, why do I feel so scared that I'll be doing the WRONG thing. I think my parents telling me a million times that if I leave it'll be "stupid" has fucked me up inside somehow.

Oh well I am getting on the treadmill, am going to walk my cares away and the double cheeseburger, fries and pop I had for lunch.

*Sigh*

�

pet ramps