Long long day.

My boss put more on me to do. I feel overwhelmed and stressed each day. This week I have only a few days to finish paginating a 16 page special, I'm leaving Thursday, and probably will have to go Sunday.

I *thought* I would relax this weekend.

I don't like all of this shit to do, but my days go by very fast anymore.

I just don't like that feeling that maybe I won't finish it on time, then what?

I got home and walked on the treadmill, then made chicken with sweet and sour noodles. It's very good, mm! I have no pop in the house, just diet pop, for lunch I did badly and went to McD's. but I was So so hungry!

Oh well, I found a new person to listen to on the radio, I heard this song which is like how I think, so definate of laws/rules/the normal. Ala' "have fun in the great indoors!" very cool, I love listening to new music, it's like a new book, you listen and try to figure out what the lyrics are saying.

I sometimes think I'm the only one who is truthful in my feelings and emotions. I don't know anyone who truly says how they are, other than "I'm fine" and that's it. How boring, why are we so afraid to think outside the box?

Hm. my mom went to the doctor, she lost 21 lbs. I think it's from the pain medicine she was on, it gave her the runs, and she hardly ate w/o ..you know. So she's on new drugs and I wonder if she will now gain it back?

Oh well, I got pants from Eddie Bauer today, I didn't think they would fit, but I got them on. A bit snug, but they FIT. lol

Ug, now I am so full, something about Milk fills me up, I only drink Skim, anything else is just to thick. I thank god my mom raised me on skim, I know a lot of people hate skim becuase it's "too watery" but that's what I love about it.

Oh oh oh well, I got so much mail from my ex-fitness group, and I deleted it all (Sorry Lucy) There is something about getting their emails that I feel that I just don't care what they say. I do still talk to Lucy - but everyone else is just like talking to your cashier at the grocery store, you don't want to have to spend/talk more than you have to, and listen even less. Does that make sense?

I feel strange, like nuts, like I'm a zombie, I'm tired all the time, and feel like I don't care anymore that I will say anything now. Is this really me now?

Why do I feel so afraid when I think my parents will be here for good in two weeks?

I feel so lost and confused, I feel as if I will never leave here, I'll be stuck, and then I feel like if I don't have some hope soon I will bury myself in a rut.

This weekend, Saturday, my family is going to grandma's for one last time. THe house is so bare I hear, and will see. It hurts so much to see it. I want to cry, but I am stone faced, and unfeeling.

It's like they worked years and years to build there life, collect these things they love, my grandma renovated that house himself, sanded the floors, he painted the walls, I go in that house and just see ghosts from the past, and then realize, it will never be like this again, even if everyone brought everything back and put it where it once was, nothing would be the same.

Nothing is the same anymore, one day you're happy and feeling like this day will last forever, my Grandpa will be there to explain what this and that was, but then tomorrow you see, it's all gone and you're there wondering if a part of you just isn't the same anymore.

You get the feeling you don't even know yourself anymore. That person in the mirror is a stranger, she's lost and she won't or can't ever be found again, so let's just forget her and hope you can get to knowing yourself once more, just so you can make sure you don't lose yourself again.

Am I making sense?

�

pet ramps