I had such a epithany today that I totally forgot it.

I think because I wanted the Frontier House (where they put 3 families into a home from the 1880's and see how they cope). WELL the young girl in one of them said that today's life is boring.

And she's right. People say we have to entertain ourselves, and I think life is pretty boring. I mean sometimes we have those "fun" days, but normally no one really leads an interesting life worth talking about when we're dead and gone, we just have those moments I guess.

I keep wondering if I am in a depression. I don't feel depressed, yet I have the symptons, I just don't care about a lot of the things I used to love, I am constantly late for things and then feel like I don't care about it...then at night, when I'm in Michigan I get freaked out for no reason and have a mini panic attack and literally want to scream and cry/howl to my hearts content. I know it won't help, so I don't. Then of course I am VERY emotional now. I thought it was PMS before, but it's over now, and now when i see anything remotely sad, I get tears in my eyes. Or if I think someone is mad at me, i.e. my boss, I feel like dying, I feel like crying to him that I'm sorry and that I just want to make him happy.

I just want to make everyone happy and...it's like I can't.

I just don't have the power to make anyone happy anymore, I just can't deal with me not pleasing everyone.

I can't even make myself happy, so how can I expect to make others so happy?

I mean, literally I FEEL nuts anymore.

I feel like that dog that someone left home to much and that went nuts and chewed the house up.

What am I to chew?

Am I nuts? People make me feel, well in Michigan, I feel strange. I feel like the weriod girl. I say things, stupid shit that dribbles out of my mouth and I feel like I'm outside my body looking at this stupid unhappy fat girl saying stupid things and I hate her and want to slap her back to...reality?

Lately, I just feel shitty and angry. I caught this guy looking at me today, and I stared at him with the shittest look, I thought he was going to say something mean to me, I guess I'm just fucked up. I was ready to pounce on him. Maybe that's why I'm also single.

Naturally, I've all but given up exercise. I hate to say that, I LOVE to exercise, yet each night I come home dead tired, lazy and just want to do things that make me happy. Even food anymore doesn't sound good. I don't have a taste for anything. I make a meal for myself, then am not hungry. I came home today and even my sis said I look like I'm losing. My parents say rapidly and I don't really see it. I still feel fat, ugly, I feel like a loser, I feel like a failure. I feel like I will never be happy again.

I feel like that one song I was listening to on the way home, something about how we have so many faces, and the "real self often erases."

I very much feel that way. I have a different face for everyone, I am the type that acts happy, everything is fine, how can I make you happy? How can I kiss your ass and act like your insults mean nothing. How can I act like a dumb young female, the shy fat girl who will do anything, oh she must be lazy, she'll never get married. At work when I leave early and they say, "oh must have a hot date" I see that thing in their eyes that is saying, yeah right ... or when this old man said that very same thing to me, and another one said, "oh that could be possible," I wanted to scream. or the lady who when talking about dating in Michigan said, "oh jennifer must know how hard it is, tell us jennifer." I wanted to flip the table and tell her to fuck off.

Hm, my life is very strange now, it's weriod, I guess I just feel so out of place, like I will never fit in. I feel so like the stereotype, fat, blonde, shy girl with glasses, as if she'll date. They thing she goes home and sits on her ass, her boring little shit life. Oh she tries so hard to please, yet she doesn't know that she will never please anyone.

I've begun to wonder if I am not truly living that stereotype.

I keep wondering if I should see a psychitrist or doctor, but I don't want to be put on any fucked up happy pills. I don't want happiness from a bottle. I think I'm tired of hidding this part of me from everyone and trying to act happy isn't cutting it, yet I can't tell them how I feel because I tried before and my Mom just called me a baby and to "get over it." I just can't get "over it," I'm just so tired of being sad, stressed and worried ALL the time. I wouldn't even know how to see a doctor, as if I could talk to him about these things, I'd just put on another happy face and act like my life is great. That's when he'd pull out the white jacket for me.

So now, I'm sitting here in the dark in the dining room and have to hide my tear streaked face and stuffed up nose chalking it up to a "sudden allergy attack," though I don't have allergies. So I'm putting on the happy, nothing's wrong jenny mask and going to bed so I can lay there thinking if my boss is mad at me for taking two days off, though I just worked two weeks straight w/o time off, or if my Mom is mad at me, or if my parents are disspointed, and of course where my resumes are and why no one has called me.

Life is grand once again.

�

pet ramps