I keep running late, I say I will get out of here by a time, and I never do. Then I cover up at work with lies, "oh I stopped at..." Oh well, this is my last really busy week. They are making me feel like I'm not doing my job, but it's hard to get started here when people don't know me, and they don't think I can report here because I'm not from here. My village beat is HARD, people don't seem to want to take me seriously. I kept thinking, hell this would be so fun at home, I can't wait to get home and do reporting. I'll be so happy.

My friends are coming today, I told Pook he was an asshole yesterday and he got scared (he's seen my temper). lol So, he's coming up and we're going to dinner, then back to the cottage. I think I won't call it "home" because this isn't my home.

Anyway, I think I will flip after they leave like I did for my parents, last night I got scared, I heard noises and now my trick is to think there is a killer in the house, so I keep pacing the house looking in doors and stuff. I think it's a form of anxiety, I wonder if I am having anxiety attacks, I get SO fucked up sometimes. I can't sleep either, so that doesn't help. I have dark cirles under my eyes, yesterday they were horrible. yuck. I sleep good when people are here.

Oh well, Pooks wants to "smoke" and I dont really want to, I might take a drag or two, but I told him, I just don't like to get fucked up and I said, "I dont' need that in my life" and I dont need that to get me by. I told him, "I work for the police and courts, I know what happens to people ...." So I mean that's what I think, I just don't want to get fucked up even if it's not a hallucingenic thing. Even if you'll "feel great" well I don't need to smoke nor drink to feel great. I feel great when I pet my dog, hug my mom, kiss my daddy... Lord, I'm fucked up today, I'm on edge, I'm nearly at tears and would cry if I didn't have to leave for work right now.

I have to write my Grandma still. I keep forgetting and now I'm beginning to feel like she can die at any time like my friends Mom and I worry because though we're not to close, she's my Grandma, one of the most interesting people I know, she holds the family together and if she goes, so does the family. So I will write her soon.

Oh well, better get off to work, I hope there isn't an accident, I don't like chasing ambulances and running to an accident like a lawyer, then take photos like a hungy wolf, it just doesn't feel right that a woman is screaming next to me because she broke her arm in the crash and I'm snapping photos thinking, wow this will look great, and think, fuck I wish it would've rolled over twice so the photo would be even better, I mean I wish for the worse to happen so I can write and take fantastic photos. HM, this would make a neat short story, like a reporter making things happen, murders, etc. for their own gain, a selfish moral filled story about one person's strive for glory...hm.

Better go, 8 to 4 today, it's 8:30 right now...lol

Jen

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