I went to bed at 11:30 last night and woke up at 5 then 6, and just could not sleep. I wanted to sleep, but I was wide awake. I kept waking up thinking I was at home, or my parents were still here, so I would lay still and listen for movement to signify someone was there. Of course, there were no sounds other than the heat kicking on or a truck outside. I felt a bit of despair and told myself not to cry today, though I've already broke that one just writing this. Anyway, I also am HOT today, what the hell is that, I am usually freezing to death, but this morning I felt so hot, I turned down the heat and still feel so hot. I wonder if I'm getting a cold because I woke up with nausea as well, yuck. I thought I was going to puke, I still do, and I should be eating breakfast, but I feel like I might throw it up.

At least my legs feel better today, not as bad as they were Saturday. Pooks is coming up Friday to Sunday and I am feeling like I don't want to see him, I'd rather my parents, but I think that might be to hard again...Pook would just piss me off though, we always fight. He nearly made me cry last night because he told me he cried when he said goodbye to me on the highway.

I don't know why I got so fucked up with my parents leaving yesterday, it was worse than last week, I mean I was sobbing like a child. I think because I felt like I was going home with them, just kept thinking about going home, then then realizing that I wasn't, it's like I'm left behind. So... I was going to tell my Ma that I just can't handle being this alone, I'm like nearing a breaking point, where I think I will just go nuts and quit and beg for my old job back and come home. I mean I'm coming that close. I'm getting to not even care what others say, fuck it, if I fail, then I fail. It's like everyone's pushing pushing pushing and it's like yes this is good for my career, but no, I am not happy, even at work, I'm not happy. I know if I went home my parents would be dissapointed, because they keep pushing and pushing for me to love it here and I tell them, there is nothing to love here, my boss is a jerk and I'm alone with no one to talk to and a phone call just doesn't do when for 24 years you've always lived with people. I wouldn't even mind living alone at home, then I would be home with friends and family. Not like here where the nearest person I know is 5 hours away.

So I have to start getting ready for work, so I can walk in with a fake smile and act as if I am happy and do my job so I don't think about going home to nothing, and wonder if tonight I'll be scared walking up to the door. Or maybe I'll have made up my mind on just what to do.

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pet ramps