I had another crying attack, today was just a horrid day, the worse since I've been here. I know I should just chill and know that in about two months my parents will be here for the summer. But still this brings me no comfort at all. Then I think of leaving and then I know that would make me look bad and my parents and everyone would be mad, I'd go home to some job lower than this one now (though probably it would pay better) and yet I would be happy and not alone anymore.

It's just each day I get home to no one, I go to sleep with no one and I wake up alone, I eat alone, I get dressed alone, I watch T.V. alone and for some reason a phone call does not even get near anything that makes me happy.

I don't know I guess I'm just tired of being so sad. I'm tired of crying whenever I see something that reminds me of home or when my sister tells me what she's doing with our friends and I realize that my once active life of going out each night is now just sitting at home alone watching TV or on the net like a goon. I used to hate going to the bookstore nearly every night, now I pray to. Or the blaring sounds of the trains at night, now I just want to hear it.

I'd feel really funny to have someone catch me in one of my hysterical crying matches, people at work keep asking of where I live, and find I live in the stone house on the highway, they want to visit it because everyone seems to love this house. I can image them catching me crying my eyes out.

Oh well, so now it's night and I'm feeling like major crap. I've been crying off and on again, so hopefully I won't look to bad and hopefully I won't cry in the morning like I did the week before. It's like I get to the point when I say, when will this stop, when will I have a week or day that I don't cry my eyes out like a fool. I'm just waiting for a breaking point where I will have made up my mind and stick with it besides my constant schemeing of how to get out of this hell.

Tomorrow I don't even feel like working, I just feel like sleeping all day and I wonder what would happen if I just quit and packed up and went home and what everyone would say as I would wordlessly walk upstairs to my room and shut my door.

I just don't want to face my boss tomorrow with his mush mouth that I must ask him a million times what he just said because he doesn't pronounce his words clear enough. Then the whole place makes fucking stupid jokes and I sit there and want to say, SHUT the fuck up and work. I'm so tired of laughing at stupid jokes, I've started to just ignore them all and go about my business.

I'm talking to my Mom on IM and I wanted to tell her I want to come home and I know she will absolutely freak out, though I've been hinting at it and my sister told me, she told her, to start talking to me because she's scared I'll want to come home. My parents think this is good for me and my job here and it might very well be and you have to wonder if this torture is really worth it, all I see is a year's experience is what they look for, and I've some from my last job to nearly equal that year. I guess there are certain degrees of what things are worth and how they take their toll.

�

pet ramps