Soo I went in at 12:40 and it's dead in the office. I felt kind of strange, so I sat down and got to looking fake busy. So I finally got out of work at 7. I don't care, that's 7 hours on my time card. I have a few stories. I got my own phone line and e-mail.

I really felt okay today, happy to be busy with actual work, though I feel confused and just thrown in without explaining or some shitty fast explaination that I don't quite get.

I want to leave still....

I barely ate today, had Oatmeal, a pb&j, got home, had icky mac and cheese, and a milky way dark. Hm, not good, not bad.... I'm going to work out in the morning since I don't need to go in till 1. Tomorrow is Wednesday? UG! I thought it was Thurs. My parents are coming up with my dog this weekend and I wonder if I'll cry when they leave, I probably will. I want to go home so badly, mom and dad act like I should be wonderfully happy,but I'm not. I dont' want to be here still.

I was so happy to come home because I actully worked today and I get home to a cold house (and my new jacket came today so that greeted me). I don't like that. I just want to lay in my bed and I will come March 22, if I can get that day off so I can drive home and send the weekend at home....

Oh well, tomorrow I am going to work out, show and go to work, I can't wait to walk on the treadmill. I hate going to bed here though, at night, when it's so quiet and then the creaks come and I get scared, so I drift off into sleep and then wake up when the heat turns on, especially in the morning. Maybe it's a form of wishful thinking that someone is here for me. I miss, so miss my friends, my sister and my friend Vic, it's all I think about. I mean I went from always being with my family and going out nearly each night and on the weekends, to fucking now, I come home to no one and am all alone and do nothing for I know no one and then the weekends is my parents or someone or no one comeing up. I swear, I cry each day, twice a day. In the morning, sometimes on my way to work I will cry when I think of how shitty this is, then I get home and like I am now, cry each time I write in my journal because I am such despair because I hate my life, I hate this awkward change and I mostly hate being so fucking alone. I wonder when my tears will run out because I haven't cried this much since my first dog cried, and that only lasted about 3 days. This is 7 days now of crying 2 to 3 times a day. It's no wonder I am having constant head aches, my nose is so stuffed up. Mascara running, gross. I just don't want to wake up in the morning, I mean I wake up and lay there and listen, listen really hard and try to pretend that noise is someone here, I pretend my Mom is in the dining room reading the paper and my dad is outside puttering around. Even with them here, I still want to go home, I want my house, my home, my dog, my friends, my room. I just want something familiar to my old life. I keep wondering what if I get that job at home, my parents will be up here, and this isn't so hard, I will be with my sister and our friends, I will have pookie and my friend and life will be happier.

Speaking of pookie, he made me cry *again* he e-mailed me and apologized for not calling, which was nice because I miss him a lot. Boy I'm worked up again, geez, I'm a fucking basket case!!! Is this depression, I just want to know when it will stop and I have a funny feeling it won't stop for some time. I know I will cry again when my parents leave this weekend and I am once again alone, I already feel panicked because I HATE being alone. I want to get out so badly and I see there is no way out. I am worried when summer comes and I ask my newspaper friend at home, if I can get a job yet, he will tell me noo, not yet....and then I will keep asking and then get interviewed and then not get that job.

But I will try! I still want to send out my resume and I'm still in hopes for that job in Chicago.

I just want to say, God, just please, let me go home, I need to go home, I think if I died right now, I would haunt because I am so worked up and depressed and sad about being here, this isn't my home. I always read how everyone is looking for their home and now I know where mine is. Hammond is my Tara, it's my home and will never be anything but that.

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pet ramps