I know I updated twice yesterday and I will probably do that again today

It snowed, again, all night, and it's snowing now. I have to shovel, fucking snow! I hate it! Tomorrow is going to be in the 30-40's so it'll melt, Friday is going to be in the 50's! So...I hate this snow, I don't even want to shovel, I just want to call off work, I kept thinking this morning I could say I fell, got stomach flu or got snowed in.

I was told to be in "around noon" today to "see what the night crew does." I wanted to say, oh another day of staring at my computer screen while everyone else works. Tomorrow some man is showing me the police stations, Friday I don't know. I hate this up and down shit. You know, give me a stack of obits to type, give me a story I can call up on. I was told I have to take my own photos and go to the "scene" such as an accident or fire. I really don't want to do this, not in this weather, I don't have any clothes for this type of weather, my feet freeze daily because I don't have the right shoes, where I live, we don't get snow like this, and don't need to walk a long way to places, it doesn't get this cold.

I still want to leave and I can't see any way I can. I just hate being alone, I wouldn't mind to much if people were here, just something to come home to and wake up to instead of quiet. I hate the quiet, when I get home I turn on the TV, radio and computer just to keep me company. I'm excited that my parents are coming up this weekend so I won't be alone and then for Easter...then summer...I just hate this feeling. I want to be home and be there for my friend whose mom just died. I feel like I'm missing out.

I know this is called "paying your dues" but where has my sister ever paid her dues, or my mom, they've both never had to go away like this and they don't understand why I hate this. It's easy for them to say...oh tough it out, be happy, yet they are in a warm house, familiar places, and WITH PEOPLE. It's like I've cried EVERYDAY since last Friday!!! I look like hell, I won't lie, I have bags under my eyes and a despairing aura. I guess this is depression, it's like I wake up and it's so quiet and I wait to hear anyone, anything, and I never do. So I get up and look outside, then go back to bed and try to sleep, because I keep waking up at 5, then at 6, then at 7, then at 8 ... then say fuck it, I'm up. I turn on the TV and computer, make breakfast and then don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel like going to work and putting on that fake happiness, like everything is okay. I don't want to be there and I watch the time and try to leave to go home. I'm not even hungry anymore, which is a blessing, but I haven't even had breakfast and I'm not hungry. So today I will shovel, sprinkle some salt down, get dressed, try to eat, go to work at 12 and probably will get there and no one will be there since it's lunch time, so then I will sit there and do really nothing ... or type a obit, and then watch the clock that I can leave at 7-8, or earlier.... My boss told me, there is no start or end time, it's whatever you want, and I wanted to say, then why in the hell am I here when there is NOTHING TO DO but start at the screen while everyone works, I want to say, let me file, let me answer phones, I'm tired of looking over my handbook a million times. Fuck give me a story I can just call people on! Time goes by so slowly. I pray to go home, once I'm home I feel better, but then get that feeling as I did last night.

Oh well, I thought about my friend again last night and how much it must suck to lose your Ma. I mean she was so excited that one day her son would be married, have kids, that's all she talked about. Now it's like, damn she'll never know, or be there. I keep crying over her too and him, I feel so bad for them, the father is in denial and keeps asking if she really is dead, he was supposed to go on the trip with her and he said he couldn't because of work. I know I'll miss her, I went on a few vacations with her and talked with her at parties, it's unbelieveable. I guess I should be glad I'm not home because I would cry along with him and his family, then at the funeral I would cry my eyes out. It's just so sad, it's like he's a part of our family, and so is she.

Woo boy, now I'm all worked up typing this sad journal, I'll look great today won't I with puffy eyes and a red nose and then tell them I must be getting a cold.

I wonder where Pook is, I have not heard from him since Friday!! He hasn't even been on the net! >:( I don't know if he is just busy or what. He did this to me in Disney though, it was like he called me once, then didn't call me until I was home. I was like, the times I need you most, you seem to just ignore me. That's why I dont' think he's a good friend sometimes, it's like sometimes he is so sweet and kind, then now, it's like what a jerk, I e-mailed him and he didn't even e-mail me back. What the fuck, maybe I will give him a call later this week or something. He said he wanted to come up next weekend....

Oh well, I better get off shoveling, I think I'll call my Ma to see what's shaking. Then leave and update tonight.

�

pet ramps