I had to add another entry today, I am so bored, so very bored.

I keep asking myself why I can watch TV and play on the net at home in Indiana and never be bored, yet here in Michigan, I have the same things and am so bored I am ready to take a sleeping pill and just go to bed (I'm wide awake) soo...what gives?

I found myself doing eager searches for jobs at home again.

I realized today, that I never want to live alone, I just cannot live alone. I wondered why, and I realize all my life I have always been with someone. Going by myself anywhere, in my whole life, has always been a big deal. I was babied and I am still that way. I won't deny it, and I can't change this. I realize I can't just pick up and leave here, I know my parents will come here each weekend, then summer will come and they will be here all summer, then leave, then return for good in December and then I know during these times I will say in my journals that I can't stand them and wish to be alone, but secretly, as I am now, am so afraid to be alone. I will never get used to it, and I don't see what's wrong with that. Why can't we just accept things as they are, why must we always have to change, and have people tell you, "it's good for you," how do they know?

How does anyone know what's good for me, or if "you'll get used to it" I don't want to get used to it. I just want to deal with it before I am able to get away. I figure my get away will be ... hopefully in the summer, or even after it, or blessedly before it. My friend at the paper at home, my savior, said it took him, I think, 8 months? my mom said 18 months, but, I swear...it was 8 months, until he got his job. I know, I won't be as such, but I just wanted a year ... something, since people assume my last job was full time reporting, which isn't true, but they don't know! So that's a year. I just hope there will be a job for me, I know my friend at the paper would hire me, if only they hired where he was, I plan to start e-mailing him again, to test the waters and see how he's doing and get his advice, I truly value his advice, more than any others. I still kind of want to work part time, this 8 hour shit is so hard for me, I know it's hard for everyone, damn it, I wish I could just get married and have a kid and work part time....I guess I'm lazy. I just don't like all this change, why did I listen to my mom when she told me of this job?? At first when she told me I said NO, no way! I hate it there, ever since I was a kid, I hated it here. Then I said, well, maybe, I won't get it anyway, and I e-mailed them, that day I got an e-mail, next day an interiview that weekend a face to face interview, next day I got the job, two weeks later, here I am. My own fault.

So I'm sitting here watching TV and hearing more creaks and cracks and my mind is racing that someone is in the house, then I realize tomorow I will work into the night, and come home at night.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid girl. What would've happend if when I started crying this morning, and my mom said, "You want to go home don't you?" what would've happend if I plainly said, "Yes, I do. I do want to go home in some kind of happy shame and rebuild my career and beg to my old employer, and then have half regrets for leaving...would you be disappointed??"

Till tomorrow ... I go to work at noon, and hopefull will be home around 6 or 7, maybe 8 depending on who's there.

�

pet ramps