I cannot believe today.

I got a call this morning here at 7 ish...I thought it was the paper telling me when to come in, but it was my sister.

My best friend's mother DIED this morning. I nearly cried, my friend Vic means A LOT of me, he's like my big brother, I just said, "oh my god."

She died of a massive heart attack out of the blue on a cruise she was on w/ her sister.

I feel so bad for him and have nothing to say to him because I don't know what to say or do. I can't come home for the funeral, I will send a card. He will never be the same, I know it now, I tried to imagine my own Mother gone and I started crying, as I am now. It's sad because I KNEW her and I liked her, she was so nice to me, I feel so sad.

Then, I finally call work and I have to go in at 10 and so my parents are leaving with me to go home. So of course I'm trying not to cry and I'm eating toast and my Dad is telling me how to drive in the snow and then how I can go to the store, but make sure that I have enough money and I start crying like a baby. I just couldn't hold it, I thought I could. SO my mom is like, "what you want to go home?" and she starts crying, so I say, no I'm just nervous.... I don't know why I cry about these things, like I'm crying so hard now because I'm just thinking of it. Like I cry when I think of my dog, I cry when I think of Pooks and then cry when I think how long I'll be here.

It's like since I've been here I've cried each day. I know PMS has a lot to do with this but I just feel so fucking sad now, all the time, even at work, I felt sad but tried to act happy. This is almost like Disney, but in a different way.

I know I have to stick it out and in time it will get better, but my parents are coming up this weekend and I don't want to cry all over again, I just hate crying, I am one to not cry, even at funerals I don't cry, I think maybe I've gotten older and more .... I don't know, emotional in my life. I just hate feeling so alone.

Oh well, today was just long and tiring. I went to work and did really nothing, just introduced and stuff. Then told that I have two strikes against me (police wise) that they'll think I'm to young and being a female. I've never felt so.......this way just because I'm a girl and young. I felt DISCRIMINATED against. I met the Sheriff and he acted like I was a piece of lint on his sleeve. I will bust their balls because I am a deep rooted feminist, fuck you country folk. That made me mad, I've never felt being a girl brought me down a notch until today.

Then today at lunch, everyone leaves, not one asks me to eat with them, so I drive to McDonald's get a small cheeseburger and a large coke, eat the burger and run into Kmart, get back to work and leave w/ a girl to take pictures, I get back and my coke is just icky, I only had a sip of it! I threw it away, then we had a meeting and I said, I'm leaving. Oh hell...I just heard a noise...*shutter* sounded like the back door opened.....hm. Oh I meant to walk today, I still haven't, it's getting dark too....uggg.

Oh well I've a headache and I just want to sleep and cover my head and cry all night and forget that I have a job and go home and just be a hermit and get fat and just die.

So I think I'll hop on the treadmill, take a bath and have a heaping bowl of Captain Crunch and then have some chocolate....ahhh....good ol' food...

Damn it, I hear that sound AGAIN. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!!! I hate this house, all types of fucked up sounds, if it's a bat, I will stomp it out with my foot, with the way I'm feeling right now. Mo Fo's!

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pet ramps