I really like that Hers Muscle and fitness magazine. I thought I would hate it, thinking it would be just weights and boring things, but it isn't. It's like Shape magazine (they have the same owners) but it's not so girly. I mean it's more on lifting, but also on general fitness and not so fluffy like Shape. I mean yes I like make up, but I hate 10 pages dedicated to the new shade of lipstick or new fitness gear, $120 dollar shoes? Fuck you.

OH MY GOD, I just saw the Subway ad about Jared getting married, they said, "Lose 200 lbs and maybe you too can find love."

WHAT? Fat people can't love? I won't find love because I'm overweight? Is that what that ad is telling me? Oh fuck you Subway, so sorry I am not buying your food so you can make MORE annoying ads on a man whose being paid millions just for saying he lost weight with them.

Ugg! This sounds like an excellent essay for my diet page, I still haven't updated them, and probably won't until I go to Michigan.

I was thinking about marriage and boyfriends today. I figure I'm *never* going to get married seeing as I can't keep a boyfriend because of my own issues and me being so fucked up. This is strange because since I was a little girl that's all I wanted, a huge wedding and me looking gorgeous and thin and beautiful in my gown of white. Now I'm thinking of getting gorgeous and thin and acting like Estella in that Charles Dicken's novel ... men have fucked with me since I can remember, all because I was overweight. I've heard there is a more accepting revolution for the fat inclined, and I see men on tv claim they like women with "meat on their bones." I've yet to see this new revolution and isn't it so obvious how the media, society, thinks with these subway ads?

Or the Diamond ad's ... of "get her chocolate for valentines day and let her get fat and happy, or give her a diamond and just let her be happy."

Lovely, fucking lovely.

Oh man, I could be, and I think I am, an activist on the overweight. I didn't realize it, but fat is a feminist issue. We all know women are not accepted 100 lbs overweight and men are.

My friend is about 150 lbs overweight and women fall all over him. Yet when I walk into a room, men burp and cough loudly, slouch over and don't hold the door for me. Yet when some skinny whore walks in, they are all Rhett Butler's. Although, when a man does hold a door open for me, or trys to hide things women shouldn't know about (like at the stations, the details of murders etc.) it's like, hello this isn't the 1940's.

Or pookie, he and his father think women are complete idiots. I hate this, fucking pigs, they treat women like SHIT. No wonder he's gay, no respectable woman would date a man who thinks woman know nothing. You can bet that I bust his ass OUT all the time for him not knowing what's going on in the world, ala' he's a communications major -- said he wants to work in the news or follow my footsteps as a reporter, yet he does *NOT* read the news. Hell-fucking-OOoooo. You MUST know what's going on to be a reporter!! DUH!!!!!!

Wow I'm really nutty today.

I don't know why, my mom said I was excited today, and I'm not. I talked to her on the phone and she wasn't listening and I was like, are you going to listen or talk over me?

Hm, is this PMS? Or the fact I'm leaving in a day to my doom or salvation.

I really miss writing right now, I mean on my web pages, but it takes so fucking long to get the disks out, write, then load the page on AOL's fucked up servers, I just don't feel like doing this, though maybe I will tomorrow.

Okay, I must pack my CLOTHES. Holy moley how do I have so many junk clothes/workout clothes? I was looking in a bag i packed and realized I put a jar of nail polish remover (leaky) and two bottles of polish in with it...hello jenny, I took them out, and threw them into another bag, probably containing something else that could be ruined.

Oh well, today my boss, who has not said anything about me leaving, said "it's almost here isn't it Jennifer?" "Yeah it is, isn't it" I said kind of bitterly...lol I really don't like her, she ignores me, and talks only to the pretty skinny reporter from Chicago. I'm just the part time girl who's quitting.

Fuck you allll, wait till I come back thin and beautiful like that reporter and then I will be a bitch to all!!!!!!! Feel my wrathhhh! Muh hahhahha.

Um okay...it's like I have ADD today, where was I?

Oh yeah, my job accidently put $413 in my account. My check was put in, $234, and then a second deposit was made...there is no way I could make that much there. I know I didn't do any sexual favors...ew.

Oh well I'm going to have to do my internet thing tomorrow for my Michigan account.

Lord my credit card is MAXED out .... I bought a 80 dollar coat from Eddie Bauer that was on sale, it was cute...so my card has...fuck, at least $500!! My mom is paying $400 on it because she said she would pay for the clothes I bought, as a present I suppose. Then I'll have my own payments, which is fine with me. It's not like I buy clothing all the time, I just buy it in spurts, here and there. Hm...okay. I'm doing the payments for the internet, and probably for the cable later on after digital cable is in the area, my car payment...and my cell phone. Fuck....will I ever be able to move out? My checks won't be that much more...about $1,200 a month, that's leave me like $700 a month, if I pay rent, say $300 .... $400 a month to live on. HMm..maybe I'll stay with my parents for a while. lol

Jen

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