Okay I'll add another entry since tomorrow I'll be gone all day, then at night I'll have to update.

I've eaten so much sugar that I can't image how I can be in a fowl mood with so much sweetness in me.

This whole last week I let go and just ate like I was a size 2. I just shoved 5 Junior Mints in my mouth and now want pop. My teeth must be just nubs, or sugar cubes .... or the very least cured.

I'm not going to work tomorrow because it's President's Day -- which one of the Police Stations is closed, so fuck it! So I have a day before I have to pull some unknown courage up to tell my boss that I QUIT. Give my two weeks notice and then tell her I will be back, that I want to come back. Then I will either feel like crying, or feel really nervous, because I will stop and look at her and the newsroom and wonder if this will be the last time I'll ever set foot in there. Or wonder if I ever set foot in here again, I will be a totally different person. Despair?

My neck still itches from this perm. What was I thinking? My hair looks like thick yarn. I smell like chemicals, I look like a Afgan Dog. Does rinsing your hair in vinegar take a perm out? I read that brushing your hair while it's wet will take a perm out.

My hair, poor hair, is in kinky curls with strange streaks from my last salon visit. It's asking what the hell were you thinking letting your mom give you a perm when your hairdresser asked why a naturally curly haired girl would do such a thing? Now it's 80's funk do' that's in a high strung pony tail.

Oh well, tomorrow I'm driving to my grandma's house, lord, will this be my last time seeing it? I don't think I'll get off work just to drive ... OMG -- that would be ...9 hours from Michigan! Oh that bites ass, I'd take a vacation to see it sell and the auction that follows... Oh well it's a road trip before I leave for good...before I magically turn into a responsible adult over night.

What a tramatic year for me, my grandpa never told me life would be like this.

I keep wondering what are the good things, all I see is me leaving and crying my eyes out when I say bye to my sister, my best friend, then days later when my parents leave, I'll cry again, like a kid, then be all alone and it'll be strange and I know I'll have to get used to it, and then I will become used to it and then I will crave to be alone all the time and then hate to have company. ooh...if I start buying cats and lawn ornaments, just shoot me.

Okay the good things about leaving ... I guess becoming independant, having time to workout and not be bothered, to eat and buy food as I like and not have any food in the house that I haven't boughten, I will have time to write and putz around the yard and not have someone yell at me or make me feel uncomfortable. Then I can dream about getting my own apartment and then think about how I'll make it look great and clean. Then I will wonder if I should begin dating and trying to act normal in that category, but by then I'll be thin and confident enough, I won't have my sister throwing her size 22's at my size 24's and asking if I can even zip them up anymore. No, I will toss a size 16 and look her in the eye and ask can she fit them over her thighs.

Then one day I will return home and realize that it wasn't such a bad thing to leave and it was good for me because I'll have a new clarity over my life. By then I will be 27 years old and I will think that maybe life isn't so hard and confusing. I will think, maybe I can survive on my own and not worry about having enough experience or having family and friends nearby, because I will be self containing by then, I will be an all around healthier person ....

If only this were certain! Or a warranty I could sign!!! I guess I have to be strong and do it myself, leave my former self here and leave to become...something else. Good or bad. Keep on trying.

�

pet ramps