Today was STRANGE. I drove out to see my sister at her school and fix her computer, and nearly was side swiped at least 3 times. I drove through Gary, Ind. which used to be the murder capital of the world, but now Chicago is number one, yes I live in a SAFE place...anyway, you can tell the poor parts of town, the streets aren't even marked, the lines are the road are worn away and you're scared to stop at a street light because some man is selling incense and coming near your car ... yes....it was weriod.

So I called my mom and she freaked out on me ... because I wasn't hurrying home because of the weather. I realized how she still treats me like a child, then I realized how much I act like a child because of this ... no, more like so much dependent on people to tell me what to do, how to feel and ... stuff.

Oh well, I am currently trying to work on my own self...like losing weight, but also seeing what is WRONG with me. Why I dump men before they can dump me. I can't remember a time in my life someone dumped me...I mean something tragic must've happened for me to be like this! It's like I cut to the chase, and then make my own mind up and end it w/o giving chances. I've been taught all my life...by my mom that boys were out to fuck up your life, get you prego, live off of you....men horrid boys! I'm trying to break that assumption she pushed on me and my sister. I am thinking hey living together before marriage ISN'T bad, sex before marriage ISN'T BAD. Lord what would I do if a man made advances on me? Freeze up? I get it on the net the whole time, where I have control to just cancel the IM, but in real life? Is that what I am so afraid of???

Hmm, lately I've been so selfishly thinking all about me...just plain ol' me.... How to fix myself, lose weight, all this I keep thinking about, like an obsession, it rolls around in my head all the time or whispers to me at night and I again and again think about it.

OH WELL, I am so giddy tonight. My friend called and I just laughed for about 5 minutes over stupid things he said. I think my period is coming, because I went through self hatred to funny frilly Jen today. It's strange. I'm so damn happy to be off those pills, I feel good today, really...well. I think I will cast POP out of my life, reading all this stuff on BODY FOR LIFE ... shit got to go...phone ... eep!

JEN

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pet ramps