I thought I should update .... AOL is still giving my web pages problems, I e-mailed them and they called me today and tried to blame it on me. A lot of people said they do this, and it's true, they do blame their customers for their own problems. I bitched at the lady, which I don't normally do, but being blamed ticked me off. So I got a month of AOL free ... yeah okay, but how is AOL going to fix their FTP problems? When can I load my pages or have my pages load fully? I'm trying to upload right now and it's not doing it. I re-did my diet page, and it's just not loading so that means broken links, which makes me a dead beat web master in a lot of people's eyes.

I got the book Fat SO?! Today. I thought it would be sort of feminist, but in fact, it was just how people deal with being fat. I am not crazy about the "accepting" part, and making fun of yourself to others? No, that is not the type of fat acceptance I'm into. I'm into the general public accepting it as to not mock us or judge us. I'm not into showing off my fat and talking about it like it's okay with me when it's not. They are against weight loss, I'm not. I'm not sure how to describe how I feel about being fat. Maybe I'm a fat girl with skinny thoughts?

Today, or should I say, last night I started talking to a local guy on the net. So I gave him my cell phone and he called it, I heard it ringing, 5 times he called, I didn't once pick it up. I didn't feel right. So thinking, well that's it, today at work my cell phone rings. I think it's my friend Max and it's the guy. I wanted to die. I kept muttering, I'm at work...and he just kept talking and asking me to go out. So again he calls, and wants me to go out with him tonight, next week, whenever. I feel badly because I am such a basket case, I've realized that I push people away before they can push me away. I can't help it, especially on the net when you meet people and they give you that look, that "oh god, she's fat..." then I see it cross their mind that hey she's nice and fun ... but that changes. I can't deal with that right now, rejection, I already have low self esteem, I don't need another blow to whatever crumbling mass of esteem I have. So I'll tell him, look buddy I'm fat, if you don't like fat people, just stop now. He doesn't seem that way, but I've said that before and got burned. I want to say, stop Jen, give it a try, just go...but it's so hard for me, really .... I feel good now since I've lost a bit of weight and felt a bit of esteem lately ... I don't want that knocked down so soon ....

I don't know what to do, guys would usually say "forget it" but he seems very bent on meeting me, I kind of like his pushy ... well not really pushy, but eagerness to meet me ... oh I don't know...

I have lost weight, I can see it in my clothing, yet those pills worry me. I feel like I'm getting addicted, like I should take more, to lose more. Plus I am very cranky lately, like everything bothers me. I don't know if I'm in some kind of werid depression, I don't feel sad, just really pissed off about life in general. Plus for about a week, I can't sleep anymore. I am now going to be at 1 in the morning, and still lay there until 1:30-2 -- then wake up at 6 .... It's kind of annoying because I get really tired in the middle of the day, so I pop some pills and am energized once again. These pills rev me, they make me feel like I'll lose when I take them ... I'm dependant! I'm staying on them 6 weeks, then off for two, I need to rethink my weight loss again, I feel like I'm slipping. I don't want to do that so early in the game. It's only been two weeks!!!

Jen

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