Ugg, I so didn't know that religion was such an elite group that people would refuse to even speak with me because I say I'm not into organized religions and that maybe I might not fully believe in God.

Oh silly me, thinking outside of the box. God help me if I should question things instead of being spoon fed someone else's thoughs on the bible and not my own. No no...

That is one of the reasons why I don't go to church. I can't stand that stuff. It annoys me and people who hate people because the bible "said so." Ohh gays are bad, no sex before marriage, no cursing. Yeah people break these each day, but are hypocrites when they see I don't go to church. Or call me a "sinner" even though I haven't had sex before marriage. My best friend in high school used to say I was satan though she stole and had sex in a park in front of kids ... Hello.

So this christian boy is asking if I'm beautiful and smart. And I say, does the bible teach you to be shallow? He replies with, what's wrong with seeing beautiful women, God wants this. Yeah, he says God made women just to be beautiful. Uh huh.

I guess I'm missing out on the "beauty standards" as he says. I told him not to speak to me since I'm stupid and ugly ... no point in wasting time. Fuck, I'd rather be that way than in any standard....

I sometimes think there is a standard. I see when I gussy up and feel pretty people treat me nicer. When I have a shit ugly day, I'm treated that way. If I look thin, I'm treated better, fat I'm treated like I"m not there. Yes, I think there is a difference, I've seen it discussed on TV that the more beautiful survive. I just wonder where I'm at in this "standard." Not beautiful, just cute or pretty, stereotyped as FAT, chubby, large framed. What would happen if I lost weight?

Oh well graduation went well, I felt freakish and scared. It hasn't hit me yet...oh well, I sent out my resume to Orlando and now I'm just sitting here in a rut. I work 5 hrs a day, but only about 3 since I leave early, but write down 5. I wonder how I could work 8 hours sometimes. I wonder how I will ever survive on such low salary without marriage or family support.

Oh well, at the graduation, the chancellor spoke about how graduated means you're not a "educated person." I so thought this wrong, you can be complete dumbass with a degree, or you can not even get a degree and be smart as hell. I hate that.

Oh well, I'm SICK as a DOG. I mean congested and achy, and sore throat/cough shit. Right now I'm cranky and running a temp. I always seem to get sick over X-mas. I have a party tomorrow, one Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I fly down to Florida Thursday, so I can't afford to become sick right now. This whole week it's been very hard just to get out of bed. I always wonder what would happen if I didn't show up, or how I could call off sick...but I always end up getting up. Plus tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut. Lord...Monday is nails. I kinda exercised this week, except for Wednesday because I'm sick and tomorrow I won't....uggg. I did eat Olean chips and have been toliet sick with those chip laxatives!! Plus I ordered these vitamins that help you lose weight -- though they have Ga Hunag..or whatever that's called in them. My friend said it'd be okay if I didn't OD on them, and took time off from them. I'll see and write on here what happens when I take them.

Ugg I feel very hot faced/feverish right now, sick sick sick sick. I'm going to go shower and hit the sack.

OH I went shopping w/ my mom today and she was nuts, I mean crazy. She always freaks out and she can barely walk. These two women today just stopped and stared at us, well at her. I felt soo bad, I wanted to say Ma get a wheel chair, I mean really, you can't even walk for 5 minutes without having to sit down, huffing and puffing. I think I would if my legs hurt so bad from not exercising all these years. She thinks when we go to Disney she can walk the Magic Kingdom, I literally laughed. She can't walk around a Walgreens store, how can she walk around there!? So she is walking Downtown Disney, which isn't that bad, but knowing her it will be to hot and she will flip out and not go in any stores and have to sit down every 5 mins like she did last time. I mean get a wheel chair, I get tired of having to walk 10 paces then sit with her for 20 mins. It's bad, really bad, I want to say, get a wheel chair or go back to the doctor, do something!! She's a reason I want to lose so badly, I see my hips are like her hips, I mean mine are the most disgusting on my body. I look at my childhood pics and want to cry when I see how fat I was getting and finally got. What would I be now without walking each week or eating less? I can't image. I think I would be her huffing and puffing, when I huff and puff now, I just want to workout harder and harder and harder.

Ugg I need to go to bed, I'm burning up. :(

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