I had a long day of shopping in Oakbrook, ILL. The people there make me feel so poor, unstylish and just white trashy. I mean these people are dressed to the nine's and they are beautiful people. I mean I don't know if it's because it's a very wealthy neighborhood ... but Jesus. I mean you see models, both male and female, walking around in their stylish get up. Then here comes me with $8 in my pocket and a shirt that is about 4 years old. I felt kinda self conscious, but not as much. I didn't buy anything, just a present for my sister -- with money from my parents, which left me with that $8!! Anyway...we left and went home and then hell started.

My friend PISSED me off. I mean my cheeks are still red and hot from being angry, as I am still very very hurt and angry. I mean lately I've been very nice, call it the Christmas spirit, but I helped him make his web page, I got him a gift ... which we normally don't do because when we say we'll "trade gifts" that entails me buying him a gift and him saying "oops I forgot it" and then never bring it. I got caught in that one only once. But this year I said HELL I'm in the giving spirit...so I gave him what he's been wanting, a tart burner with tarts and tea lights = $20, of money I don't really have right now. SO yesterday I give him that, I pay for our bowling, I drive us around, he bitches to go to Starbucks, which is a long drive ala' wasting my gas, so I say OKAY let's go.

TONIGHT, we go bowling, then after this he asks again to go to Starbucks, "no" I say, due to the fact I get paid Wednesday and I have *no* money and less than a tank of gas (I drive around for my job) ... he says meanly, like he meant it, "Well fuck you then." I stop and say WHAT. What did you just say?? He says, oh ... just said Starbucks should be out here. Yeah I say....

Sorry, but isn't that rude. I mean I think of all the things I've done for him, and then I get this? Lately his selfishness has been bothering me. I mean he NEVER thinks of anyone but himself. So as I drove him mad, I kept thinking of this and I got so angry. So we get to my house and I have a time trying to back in...and I he's like "Want me just to do it?" UM NO, I say, I think I know *my* car better than you do. So we get out and he's like, you tapped your sisters car. UM NO, I didn't, I think I would've felt it...and my silver car to her dark green would've shown.... So he follows me inside and I say, are you staying for a bit or just leaving? So he leaves and I just shut the door.

What an asshole. I'm sorry, I could type a whole 10 pages about how uncouth and rude and selfish he is. We've been friends for 7 years, 1 of which we spent fighting. You'd think I'd know better, I don't know why we're friends really. I mean I guess just someone to hang out with sometimes is nice. I'm sure if I had a boyfriend I wouldn't even hang out with him at all.

Anyway, tonight I asked for my camera back -- he was going to use it and I said nope, I need it TOMORROW. I mean if I'm going to get in a fight with him, I want my shit first. You know with "fuck you then" friends, you never know what you can expect. I'm sure everyone has a friend like this.

I know this will blow over, it just makes me mad that he thinks he can get away with this. I mean I graduate Tuesday and he's supposed to drive me and I don't want him to at this moment. I don't even want him there, not with my family, not with that attitude. NO thanks. Plus next Saturday is this holiday party at this nice place -- my friend asked if I wanted to take anyone, so I said HIM, and now I'm thinking, fuck that I'll go by myself. It makes my difference to me.

I swear I'm the sort who always helps out people and pushes them to the top. I love to show people new things and new ideas. Am I wasting this on him? Yes.

Okay I totally deleted what I wrote after this, I could write a few pages on what's wrong with him. But I should point out what's wrong with me sticking with this type of person?

I don't know why, but like I said, if I could find a new friend, someone else to hang out w/ off and on, I think I would dump him. I mean, sorry, but I just get angry a lot and hurt a lot by how he treats me, and seriously I really don't need that in my life at this point and time.

Right now I'm sending in my resume to Orlando. I know I say I don't want to leave, but I think I really do, if even for a bit. I mean just to be away and SEE what it's like. I mean I think I really need this. YET on the other hand, if I leave my dead-end job now, then what will happen when I come back? I wish finding jobs wasn't so hard. I mean after January 1st, my life will really change. I mean I could be moving, or I could be staying here or I could have made up my mind as to what I really want in my life. I'm just so very confused, I thought being in college was confusing, but graduating is more confusing. I mean I just hate being in limbo, I want to start being a reporter, but my current job holds me back, as if I'm to young, and don't' know what I'm doing. I DO know, I've written a few articles for the paper, but no. I'm tired of what I'm doing now, yet I don't want to pick up and leave and go to that editing job and hate it more...or Florida and hate it even more than before and be stuck. There is no turning back this time after making my decision. I still wish I could have someone magically tell me what to do, or someone who's been in my situation.

Oh well I just told my psycho friend why I'm mad and he magically doesn't remember. SURE. What the FUCK ever! It's like he can dish it, but can't take it. I mean if you can't take it, then don't fuck with me...I have a very very very sensitive side and a very VERY cold manner when people piss me off. And sorry, I'm not letting shit side anymore. I'm not letting people walk on me anymore. I don't know if this is a stage of growing up...but no more SHIT.

OKAY THAT SAID...

I need to WORK OUT now. Get my ass in gear. Woo I got a new exercise video and book and I need to start AGAIN. I'm thinking of cutting fat ... like only 15 grams a day or something...I haven't been doing that bad lately...just need to work out more...um..I was looking at my body, if I could really tighten up, I'd look a lot better. I think doing a mix of workout tapes will help me a lot...I'm going to start doing them each day, like Taebo, then Kathy Smith lifting weights...then whatever.

OKAY GUY TIME. I'm talking to this dude on the net, that I've seen at school. A skinny man, yuck. He's okay, but is fucked up like me -- ala noncommittal and stuck at home and scared to leave home and just like me, fucked up. He wants to meet, I do NOT. I mean sorry when he sees me he'll be like God damn ... I have a shitty self image...I know...but still...can't I lose weight then meet people? Even 10lbs would make me feel better....I don't know.

Ugg, this is so boring I bet, sorry...but that's my life! :)

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