Man what a wacked day! I took the laptop to work to type in the briefs...and it took me TWO HOURS. I felt stupid...then I got to work and felt like I couldn't do my job and that I was a failure. SO I left and got my nails done ... lol.

Tonight, at school I used a phone in the hallway to call the bookstore on campus to see if caps and gowns were in, and how much money they were. I wanted to ask if they had plus size, and I was embrassed because people were in the hall, so I said FUCK IT if they don't know I'm plus size, then they'll know now, I knew someone was standing behind me waiting for the elevator...so I blurted out on the phone, do you guys have plus size? "Yes" they said and I thanked them and turned around with my eyes on the floor not wanting to look at the person behind me...but I did anyway and lo and behold it was another plus size girl. She smiled at me, in a way that it was like ..."I understand ... good for you for asking." I returned her smile in a secret way as to say, "Thanks for understanding."

I don't know why, I so get along with other fat people. Like that girl at work I'm having lunch w/ tomorrow. We are both fat soul sisters. We must be the same size, but she has more in the boob section, which makes me her look a bit larger, I like my smaller boobs for that reason.... lol So that'll be fun to be with a fellow fatty and not feel like a fat ass with a skinny person while I eat a salad and they have a hamburger.

Hmmm, today or lately I'm just nutty. lol I'm like saying whatever I want anymore, foolishly. Today the Fed-ex man came and my mom yelled at me because she said he was trying to make time with me....yeah between sign here and here's your package, he really wanted me....sureeee. She said it's not men's fault that I don't date, but MY own fault because I don't make eye contact and seem uninterested. I told her, well maybe that's because A. he's ugly. B. he's a fed-ex man C. I was an hour late to work and D. YUCK. lol Sorry I'm superficial like that, I mean if I'm not attracted to someone in person...how can I be interested? I mean I have semi-high standards, and it's not like every guy is throwing themselves at me.... But I've grown up thinking fat is ugly, therefore I'm ugly and unwanted. Poor Jenny. Yeah....but I'm better now. I'm more like fuck this, fuck that Jenny. Fuck you if you don't like me...and if you do, fuck you because I'm not worth it or it won't last ... I mean that is how I am, I very much push people away, hurt them before you hurt me. BUT I AM TRYING TO CHANGE. So...I know the problem now don't I.

I just have to get used to thinking that peopld DO find me okay to look at ... maybe guys DO like me and want to talk to me. Hey maybe that guy isn't looking at me because I'm fat, but maybe he is checking me out. Sometimes I feel like I'm okay to look at, other times I feel like telling everyone to look away! Like ugly days...or like today when I had a good hair day, like wow hair...or days I wear a beautiful outfit like I will tomorrow, or there are days I have shit hair and shit clothes on. I should tell myself...Jenny you're pretty, Jenny you're pretty....because I so want to say NO I'M NOT...NOPE...not me. I mean was I really the girl in high school who said everyone is beautiful in their own way? Why am I excluded?

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pet ramps