I saw Harry Potter today and I liked it. While in the theatre, I heard someone's cell phone ringing and lo and behold it was MINE. I forgot I turned it on!! lol I was like, that tune sounds familiar...hmmm....it stopped ringing and when I got home, there were two calls missed! I felt like a major dork!

Oh well I didn't exercise today, I still hurt from that fucking exercise tape. Plus I got a rash in the crease of my hip from working out...it hurts like hell. Oh well tomorrow will be ... hummmm taebo??

I SO sucked with eating...holy shit! I mean I've been a major hog this past week. It was emotional eating and now I'm trying to get back to basics. I noticed I huff and puff running up and down stairs like a person who doesn't exercise. I'm thinking I want to join this HUGE gym by my work ... and take some exercise classes since when I'm out of school and will be working part time, I'll have time. I could work out after work....then go home. I get out of work like a 2 ... so that's not to bad!! Tomorrow will rock, I get of work at 2, go to a nail appt. at 2 to 2:30, then have class at 5. Ala' maybe I should workout before my dumb class. WOWWOWOW weee I graduate in a month.

I totally want to start working out and junk. I mean I graduate and then want to lose major weight. I mean I so buy into that first appearance shit when you interview for jobs. There *is* a fat bias, regardless of what people say. I mean I've been given that look over myself. I always think of that book that one woman wrote...."Fat...SO?" exactly!

I just want to LOSE and then SHOW OFF to people. That fuck OFF I lost weight. Like to my friend ... who doesn't want me to lose. I don't know why he hates when I lose, probably because I'll change and wise up and drop him as a friend. I don't care, I want to lose and show him, because he always makes me feel like he feels superior because he's thinner than me...though he's gained a lot since high school (YES!!) I mean I merely must lose 50 lbs or so to be at his level.....fucker. He makes me want to run and lift weights and be the plus size Lara Croft.

I don't know...it's like I will do GOOD, then blamo, do bad...and still be the same...no loss or gain. I mean I am ALWAYS the same! I'm in fat limbo, my boy refuses to change I think. I'm hoping adding exercise tapes does something. I'm sure me eating like a pig isn't helping. ugk...will I ever lose again? I lost 40 lbs in the distant distant past...and now I'm that girl in high school who is stuck again. Just to be a size 18 would be heavenly. My mother used to be a size 18 before she let herself go...she's now a 26. I wonder where the fat gene got in ... my father and Mother were skinny as kids....their parents were thin, except my ma's father, but that was only after he got older. My father's parents were so skinny, all their life! They were beautifully healthy. SO what happend to my parents? My father just has a belly, but he's thin, my mom was thin, she was a 18 and thought she was fat...she let herself go and now is trying to workout for her health. I don't want to end up like that. I think my trouble is growing up eating wrong. I've been fat all my life, I've NEVER been skinny, never been a size 18, truely, I can see in my childhood pics that I was growning fat, and my parents did *nothing* to help. If I should ever have kids, I'll NEVER let them get this way!!

I'm just so tired of being fat, being looked at and talked about and made fun of. Feeling strange when people talk about other fat people then look at me ala' Shallow Hal. Like I have a disease or something. I hate it. But what do I do?? Keep working and working. I'm thinking joining that gym will be my savior, but will it?? I need to stop eating this way, it's the main key, I am proud that I've almost gotten used to diet pepsi. I drink it now and taste that fake taste only a bit now...how wonderful is that. NOW JENNY stop eating sugar! See we've had an OVER abundance of Girl scout cookies and other SUGAR shit in my house. I mean I go in the kitchen and have a few cookies...some milk....repeat...repeat...fuck, I hate when my parents buy this shit, that's when I eat it, if it were up to me there wouldn't be ANY type of sweets like that in the house. That's why I like when me and my sister are alone and must buy our own food. My parents STOCKPILE food, literally, we have at least 10 boxes of PASTA, if it's on sale they buy it ...and fuck me...we don't even have pasta that much! I mean our kitchen is a mess when my parents are here, but when they leave and me and my sis take over, we only buy things that we need for the week...or two weeks, so that we don't have to use every available table space for food. See, they taught us bad food lessons...like eat all on your plate, have what you want, when you want it, don't wait, make excuses...fast food is a staple food for meals...no wonder I'm fucking overweight. I remember as a kid eating two cheeseburgers! Dairy Queen! FUCKKKk >:( IT MAKES ME SO MAD.

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