Today was a lovely day. I thought I would be crazy busy, but I wasn't really. I did the police report round, went to work and found the system was done, so drove out to St. John with my boss...I kinda had a strange moment. I was talking to him about how I am thinking about Eli Lilly....but I said, maybe I'll stay and work here and work my way up to full time and benefits... He laughed at me..he said with the hiring freeze, it would be a while before I got that and that Eli Lilly was really a good deal. I felt sorta numb because I don't really want to move away. I wanted to stay here, but seeing as it's only part time, and no benefits...$8 an hour...I can't afford to pay rent with this pay, what if I get sick?? My Mom is like, well try for Eli Lil, then she's like, well we'll get you on our health ...and help you pay rent. I DO NOT want this, I don't want to be a fucking kid living off my parents. I'm so confused. Go to ELI where I might like that job, and will be stuck there for a year and 1/2 under contract, and if I return home, where will I work? It's a vicious circle, like what if I don't try, .... I made the decision to TRY for Eli, see if I get it, then make my decision then. I just like news reporting, but yet they turn me off on it because they treat me like a kid! I mean everyone always asks if I'm in school ... and I say I graduate in December...and I did internship HERE REPORTING. I just feel like I will never get to reporting, but just these little SHIT jobs. I wouldn't even mind the shit jobs if only it were full time. I just want to cry sometimes, I never thought it would be this hard and I don't want to deal with this realization.

Oh well, for dinner, I actually COOKED. I had two recipes from a WW page...I made this side dish of celery casserole, to which I just tasted...ew, needs major SALT. I won't make this again, I think.... And I made this sloppy joe casserole with noodles, turkey and sloppy jo mix. It's in the oven as we speak. Oh wellllll....I'm drinking a large pepsi right now...just have such a taste for it. I did that Katy Smith Workout and wanted to kick her ass, she went to fast in some parts..like I'm a mind reader, I cursed at the TV. lol

Oh well, I'm currently feeling sorry myself. My life is quite empty. I can't keep a relationship, I can't be happy in my job and I'm to dependant on my family life to care for me, and to scared to go out on my own. I really sometimes wish I could just start over. It's like everyone I know is dating someone at this time, I'm the only single person in the group, even my gay friend has a boyfriend. Now that's sad. I wish I wanted to be a nun. Ugk, I disgust myself and despise myself.

Ohh well, I'll fucking eat my homemade dinner and then wallow in my living HELL and await for my friend to call and come over and wallow together in my despare. Everyone is invited to my pity party tonight.

Next week is the supposed week the psychic said I'd meet someone. I'll just have-ta hold my breath....

Jen

�

pet ramps