God damn I write in this thing to much. This is my second entry of the day!

I was extremely bored today in class and was talking to two classmates. Both commented how pretty my hands and nails are. The girl I talk to in class always says this, everytime I fold my hand together or if I inspect a nail. SO I'm sitting there today looking at my nails and I see all the flaws, I think they look really fake, though they are truly mine, except for a layer of acrylic to keep them from breaking. I see major flaws and think my hands look dirty and unkept. "They're beautiful" she mutters looking at my hands then to her own, "I wish I could grow them like you."

Then it hits me ... I'm seeing the flaws and realize they will never be good enough, and she seems them as perfect. Is this how I approach my weight loss too?

Oh well, I just reminded myself in this entry I have to work out..speaking of weight loss Jen you haven't exercised today have you? NO...but you just filled your face with noodles and sauce and two slices of french bread w/ butter and thinking about having some pop..oh girl get your ass upstairs.

OH I e-mailed my old fitness group, I only talk to about 3 of them since my major shocking realness hit the group. See if you think outside of the box or curse in that group, that's grounds for rude e-mails and being kicked out. Fuck them. I still liked 3 of them, though they disapprove of my cursing, as if I'm a fucking child. *SIGH* Anyway I e-mailed then and realized it's not the same anymore, I just feel like I don't know them anymore. That's sad since I was in the group for at least 5 years. They hurt my feelings, and made me realize people may say they support and are your friend, but most of the time they aren't. They dont care about you, just about their pityful lives.

Everyone is an asshole in my book anymore. Fuck you, fuck you and oh yeah fuck you too. I'm tired of bending myself to fit to others contorted vision of how people should really be.

Plus today in my class there is this fat girl, like massive hands, short arms and legs...the ball. I kept looking at her and see it's hopeless for her to have a skinny body, she's to big boned. Then I wanted to know if people see me as that. I alway see fat people and think how they would look skinny. I sound shallow, I know, but these are things I think of. Like how would I look with no double chin and no face fat? I think I'd look skeletonish. I have nasty high cheekbones with makes my cheeks look hallow sometimes Yuck.

I am getting back on WW, I fuck, why not. See how shitty I eat. My Pappy bought me Diet Pepsi and um...lean cuisines and shit..yum...they make me sick though sometimes...ricotta cheese anything...woooo

OKAY next week is my PSYCHIC week, that's the week they said I'd meet someone. Somehow I dont think so.......which is fine, I'm not in the mind set of "getting to know someone" though X-mas I feel VERY lonely ... or valentines, SATAN, Day...or *SHUTTER* New Years when the only person who kisses me is my friends drunk aunt. *SIGH* God kill me

Jen

�

pet ramps