How embrassing...I'm so embrassed. I e-mailed the manufacturer of our graduation gowns at my college - just to see if they have plus size. They said, we go according to height and weight, we'll find something to fit you. Oh thanks, I'm a tank. Anyway, I e-mailed them back asking if I have to get a gown for a men 6'5, even though I'm only 5'9 ... I said to them, don't you think that's a bit embrassing? Other universities have gowns that go plus size, I mean I can see them saying, "Oh well LOSE weight then."

I mean I don't know if I should be thinking about this now, but man us plus size girls need to think about this type of stuff. I mean fuck, my high school gown was TO big for me and it was only like...6'0 ...so I try on my sisters, mind you from the same place, her's is a 6'2 or something and it doesn't fit me!? What is that? I've LOST weight since high school!! OH How can that be? I really, *really* feel embrassed about this, I mean, I don't want to have to say I'm 6'7 when I'm plainly NOT. Oh, I'm hoping they have plus size. See times like this I really *hate* being fat!

I'm beginning to WANT to be more nice to myself...I mean I always call myself names and shit, and I think it's becoming tiring of myself and my Mom always yells at me because I'm very hard on myself. I can't help it, I swear I'm the type who likes PERFECTION, though I understand there's no such thing. So being fat isn't perfection in my mind, therefore I'm hard on myself. I always wonder about...you know unconscious sabatoging yourself for some reason. I always wonder if I do that.

Like IF I were to get skinny, would I have to face what I THINK it is to be skinny? I don't think what I think to be skinny is really how it is. So all my observations and understandings would be wrong. Or what if I have to face more male attention? I've *never* had that before. How could I cope?

These things scare me, and that's how I screw myself up.

I see is as...everyone has there "skinny" picture of where they are trying to get back to, I dont have a picture, I've been overweight all my life. I almost feel like...I have so much weight to lose it's just to much and therefore I won't make it. That's wrong! But I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind. Plus, I'm sorry, it's hard when people who are a size...18/20 or even a 16 who consider themselves FAT or can't comprehend how huge they are. Sorry, I'm a size 22/24 and hearing that makes me want to scream. I can only dream of being a 18/20 and a size 16 is a WISH! God damn, how wonderful would it be to not have to consider wearing a 2x or sometimes a 3x ...but a 1x or 2x ... fuck, I wish people would put that into perspective. I mean seriously, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say they wanted to be a size 24! NOT, now a 20...yes I've heard that a lot .... It makes me mad and jealous because I so much would love to be that size, at least you're normal. 24 isn't normal. That's Shallow Hal's girlfriend...that's me.

*Sigh* I make myself so depressed sometimes. But I can say I did good with exercise, I really liked Taebo, but over did it to hurt myself to much, I ordered a weight lifting tape, so I think my salvation is exercise tapes, treadmill and elliptical, talk about adding spice to your workout. Just let me rangle my eating ... I do alright sometimes, but it gets to easy for me to just to go fast food for lunch, which I did this last week, from happy meals to taco hell chicken quesdilla ... That's also expensive, I read that people lose weight by stop eating fast food. I think I will try that now, only eat at sit down places, no more fat laden lunches...my family doesn't drink pop anymore, so it's never here.

Oh a good note, I somehow lost weight. I have disgusting stretch marks, I mean the light colored ones, which are the good ones --- the pale pink/dark pink ones are the bad ones! I have transparent ones flaking my abs, tummy and other places. Sadly, they are on my boobs too...I'm already a B cup, I need all I can get in that dept! I think if I had eaten right as a child, I would be skinny now...I mean I'm not big boned, my sister is...I am medium to small boned...as a baby I was very tiny, it's hard to think of that now. I see my kid pics and see my climb to overweightness...If I ever have kids I will NOT let them get fat. I always wonder if my parents saw that, because...if I saw my kids getting fat then...I would help them lose...I wouldn't tell them and be destructive...but help them healthfully. I know how it is, and I won't let them get this way. But I know I'll never marry...hell I can't even have a relationship that lasts longer than a month with anyone...my Mom thinks I'll be married, she said she had a preminition about it...so...oh well the psychic said that in two weeks a man will come into my life and change it..I'll date him for 8 months...then...another man will come into my life and he'll be the one...but both will change my life majorly. Can I believe an internet psychic? It's nice to dream though, what the hell would I do with an 8 month relationship...then to end that for another? Shittttt....

Okay I think I should hit the exercise/eating right HARD for graduation...Ya know. I mean then I could be toned and that would be a plus since I'm going to florida in late December...shorts and !!!SWIM SUIT!!! I'm chicken white too...lol. I don't mind that, I'm a girl who's against the sun since I'm pale/fair skinned. I already have freckles from a no sun tan lotion day at the beach, I only burn and am tan for a day or two. It's just not worth it, not with cancer in my family and not for wrinkles by the time I am 30. My gran has cancer, and I see how she's dealing and what it is, and I'm so scared for her..scared to get cancer ... I saw my grandfather die of Alzheimers ... how horrible, I certainly don't want that either. I hope I die in my sleep, naturally. My other grandfather died of his heart giving out...in his sleep, peaceful, grandma died from her lung filling with fluid, drowning...and I remember crying my eyes out at her funeral, though I was more close to my grandfather...I guess that's why I deal strangely with death...my god....when my grandfather died of alzheimers, I didn't cry...yet when my dog died, I cried for a week straight. Hm....

Jen

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