Well today was screwy. First off let me tell you about my poor little car. In three days, it's been trashed, yesterday my Ma is driving me to school and rolls over a rock that gets stuck in the tire-well...wheel well or something and it GRINDS, I smell burning rubber and hollar at my mom to STOP the car and back up! SO she does and it comes out....fuck I think to myself.... That couldn't have been good for my car.

Next, I leave my windows open a crack, and don't notice the leaf sucker coming, next thing I'm looking outside my silver car is now orange...then I realize the interior of my car is now orange as well. Fuck, I say to myself, as I run out and open my orange, trying to dust off the leaves that are now covering the radio, the vents, my seats and carpet...I get in my car and go down my street at 50 miles an hour to blow off the rest of it from my car...jesus.

*SIGH* I just vaccumed it out today and I need to gas it up..lord.

Okay...then Wednesday I'm on my HELLth...er..Heath kick and I do the Tae-bo tapes. Halfway through my legs feel like tree trunks as I try to lift them and I coware to do another rep. The next day my back hurts ... it feel like a huge knot...and today I get the whole mess ...my hips feel like rusty hinges...it hurts to walk, and my lower back is another knot, I fell old, today. I felt disgusted that I couldn't recover from a simple Tae-bo work out. This means, I can't work out today but I can't walk on the treadmill...and I know I can't do another Tae-HOE workout unless I want never walk again.

Okay at work, I'm like HELLO did I dream I had a promotion???! I heard this news on, I think Wednesday, and it's Friday and no one has said ANYTHING. I'm like, I'm so tired of typing, I want out of this, and yet no one is saying anything to me! So I'm like MONDAY I'm e-mailing my boss and asking WHEN IN THE HELL she is going to train me!? Then I want to know if I get a raise....benefits!? I work part time, so I doubt I'll get benefits...so...shit... I'm like should I still try for Eli Lilly?? At least I'd be doing something, that's a pay raise working for Eli Lilly too... I don't know.... The girl that interviewed me for the job I lost, wants to have lunch with me next Friday to talk about the online stuff..a friendly luncheon. She is cool, she kinda looks like, but she's heavier, she has so much confidence. I wish I was like that, like she accepts her body. She wears skirts all the time, I would never dare wear a skirt. God I wish I was like that...I can't wait to talk to her though, she was cool, we got along really well! I think she wanted to hire me, but her boss said no, because the guy who got it had SO much experience.

Oh well, I'm tired of being poor. I pay my car payments...and then have barely enough since I have other bills. I just need to buy clothing and shoes. I mean I can't use my credit card right now ... and shopping with just a $50 dollar bill won't buy me even a outfit! So I'm thinking of just clearing my credit card after X-mas and then buying clothes or something. I mean I have one pair -- ONE PAIR -- of brown shoes that the heel is starting to separate from the shoe! Now that's sad, what's sadder is those shoes are at least 5 years old. I need to go shopping, I'm tired of wearing yucky clothes, I want business clothing. So maybe I will go to Marshall's or something, they have cheaper clothes than Lane Bryant at least. Though it's hard to find some nice stuff sometimes.

OH hmm I still feel achy ... I'm tired too, I slept bad last night. This weekend I have to write a paper...and do research. I'm already tired of my research project. I keep telling myself...4 weeks...hell 3 weeks now..but still...I'm trying to live one week to the next, but sometimes I just am to busy and I get cranky. I don't like myself when I'm cranky. OH I told Max about my sis and her V-secret, but I didn't confirm it...I hinted at it, but said, "I wish I could tell you Max, but you have a big fucking mouth" and he said he wouldn't say anything about it because it's important, so I said yeah right, because he'd have that look. SO he kinda knows now and I will see what he does with it. All along he's been asking if they've screwed yet, so it can't be surprising. I'm still tired of him and his lies. He is very compusive liar...I mean seriously. He told me his grandmother who's 80, what on the Titanic...she's to young. He told me all these lies and I get scared on to what to believe when he says things to me. He's a BS'er and says anything to anyone for acceptance, he's like his mother, who says she has a bachelor's from purdue, yet she works at Walmart, she lies just like him, they are the same and he hates her..and I think it's funny because they are two in one. He is selfish and greedy, he never listens to me...so why am I his friend? I really can't say...I don't know. I've been trying to think hard about it, and I think because we've had some good times together, the times when he helps me out in a bad situation, to cheer me up, but that's rare a lot of the time. He's only like that in person and he's the type that if he doesn't want to talk about it, he ignores it, which makes me made. I am more of a person who talks about her feeligns and emotions and explains them etc. he doesn't like to talk about feelings, and that stuff. I don't know...we're both gemini's so we're both fucked up.

I was also thinking about relationships and that virgin diary I have in my fav. diaries. She's so true when she talks about virgins. I mean I agree, I get scared when I think of the next relationship could involve sex...I freak. I mean I totally relate to her, so much, I mean I have those exact thoughts and I wonder and maybe I can't help but feel like a loser because I'm a v, and haven't held a steady relationship since high school. Can I say that I knew in high school I wouldn't "do it" and now that I'm out of hs, the possiblity is strong that I could in my next long term relationship? Oh well I think also being a gemini -- snake screws me up, I mean I'm totally into horoscope and chinese horoscope...I am the worse of the two...the snake who's flighty and the gemini who gets bored. I am more the snake who hurts and leaves before the other person can. I've always beaten my boyfriends to the punch to leave the relationship, then I don't want to talk about it, and for it to go away. SO...I think my ex from hs is the man I liked and hurt the most. Even today, he asks our mutual friend how I am doing and he was dissapointed that I didn't go to our friends wedding, he really wanted to see me. This scares me, I mean I totally liked him, I dug him, but I let stupid jealously get in the way, another snake trait. I get very jealous and I am very possive of those who I care for. I think maybe this is why I don't let Max go, I'm so possessive and I defend him a lot ... It's hard and yet easy for me to let go of things...I mean I regard that others shouldn't let go of me so easily, I'd fight for that type of thing. I don't know, I'm fucked up in relationships, I am a hard person to...I guess get in a love relationship with, I get disconnected and I try not to get close until I know they feel the same...that is just how I am, and I don't know if I can ever change that. Now-a-days I try to be more upbeat and try to forget myself when I talk to guys, and if a guy looks at me, I still shy away and look away, like I dont' care, though I do. Man...what's wrong with me? How did I get this way??

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