Whatta day!

Okay I got my hair cut today...I haven't had my hair cut since....I believe at least a YEAR. I mean...seriously. It got kinda long and stringy...and now it's youthful and same ol. I had the stylist streak/highlight it and it looks good, he blowed dried it straight since I have curly hair and I never wear it straight...so that was neat, he said I have beautiful hair. *blush*

SO I felt majorly obese today as I hobbled in and out of chairs...and felt stupid that I feel so ugly sometimes, at the salon I kept my eyes on the floor the whole time and didn't really speak or look to anyone, I felt ugly, plain and simple, ugly and fat.

Oh well, I was telling my sister that I need to lose weight for graduation and she's like you're already losing weight, I know this isn't true, I don't feel anything different, same ol' fat. Maybe my legs/hips have gone in a bit, but that's it...but I"m thinking, she has a plain up her sleeve, we're very competitive when it comes to weight loss, we're vain in that sense. When I originally started working out she would try to make me eat wrong foods, she still does, it makes her happy to see me crash in my diet and gain...seriously, it's how it is. I can't say that I'm not happy she's stopped going to the gym, it's as if we are trying to be more prettier than the other for our parents? Or whatever.... I dunno, that's how it feels.

But since I'm feeling so yucky, I'm feeling that my face would be so much prettier with the fat gone from it...I have extremely high cheek bones and almond shaped eyes/small eyes ...and a larger flat sort of nose and medium lips ... I've been told I have feline features and I can image how neat I would look with fat off of my face...damn I know my eyes would look larger with less fat around my eyes...wow I could be something couldn't I? My aunt maybe is right...I really could be pretty if I lost weight.

Oh well, my usual fare anymore is a slim fast bar for breakfast, Swiss miss coco at work ... and some snack like pretzels or sometimes something sweet. Lunch is usually something like Mcdonald's kids meal, or yogurt, or left overs .... dinner is fast food or sometimes left overs or whatever my parents have cooked. I've cut back on Pop since it's a rarity in my house, my parents stopped drinking it, I'm the only one drinking it now. I can't help it, I adore pop. I should drink more water though...I will now...I mean at home I have milk or...juice...hmmm I guess I'm eating a bit better than before. Exercise is lacking, I mean I've been skipping Monday and Weds...but I did exercise this past monday and I WILL tomorrow...it seems that Elliptical trainer REALLY HELPS me out, I mean hell I only do it...for what 5 mins Sundays...and sometimes during the week and my legs have gone in! WOW. It's just SO hard to do for me, I mean I try to watch tv doing it and i get so tired on it, like my legs will fall off, lovely! I know it's working. I SO SO need to lift weights, that kicks my ASS, it does my body so good, my body LIKES it, it reacts to weight lifting so good, yet I poo poo it because I'm so tired from the daily grind. Anyway.....I could be SO good, but I don't do anything about it...am I scared?? WHY? Scared to succeed that maybe my dreams and what I think I will be when I finally lose that weight won't match my dreams and stereotypes? I think so.

OH WELL ... my hair seems lovely right now, it's so soft and alive, tomorrow it will fade and just be the same ol' curly mess that I constantly keep in a clip or ponytail or some other mess that keeps it out of my face.

I keep coming back to weight loss, damn it jenny just DO IT. You have graduation coming! DO IT so you can get a pretty outfit and look fantastic with beautiful lines and nice legs and arms and more confidence....maybe that's what I'm scared of! CONFIDENCE. I alway say I'd be more outgoing and talkative and crazy if only I were thinner...maybe that's what's holding me back, maybe I'm really not that way, and I know it.....hmmm oh well I've a headache...I turned in my resume today and I wonder if they'll call me...I hope so, 30,000 a year isn't to bad for someone like me...more than what my sis makes and she's been working 4 yrs...

Jen

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