It's been a strange week for me. Sometimes when I write in this, I get scared someone in my family will happen to read it, or my friends. I know it couldn't happen, yet I wonder if somehow they could....

Somethings been eating at me lately. After a few weeks of my sister saying, "I wish I had a best friend to talk to." I knew she had something big to say. Me and my sis ARE best friends, we always hang out, we talk about everything, and we rarely keep secrets, so I knew this had to be big, and knew it was something she was scared or maybe unsure of how I'd react or maybe scared that I would think differently...or maybe it was just a cry for me to listen and not judge.

I did this. She finally worked up the courage last weekend, I think after much thought and being tired of keeping it in and really NOT have anyone to talk to about it...she told me in Border's bookstore as she kept sighing and as I kept saying, Jesus just tell me already!

So me, trying to me funny and outlandish said, what did you and (her new boyfriend) fuck or something? I said this looking down at my book knowing kinda this might be the thing she was hestitating about. She said YES quickly, without any hesitation like she'd been waiting for me to say it. Then she said, it HURT....

I was grossed out and felt...betrayed. Now I'm the only virgin in the house! I felt kinda like some bond between us was broken ... like she betrayed me. That is exactly how I feel...betrayed.

And even now I feel so many feelings, so I be mad, happy, depressed...

Will I always be the pure white sister, and I keep thinking, why him? She's only known him for about 6 months, and they fight and she said she'd never marry him. I keep thinking, would I give myself to someone who I knew I wouldn't marry, I mean someone who isn't that special to marry!?

I don't know how to feel, but I keep THINKING about it! Someone please tell me WHY I keep thinking about it. I get angry because she still is best friends with her old boyfriend, the man she said she'd probably end up marrying, in a sarcastic tone...why not save it for him? I feel sorry for him, how she uses and treats him, then trots off to fuck a man with a child, in his thirties who makes merely above min. wage, who doesn't have a car due to no license, who's been in jail, in a gang..the list goes on...she give it to him?

I am beginning to hate him, I've never liked him much and as he tries to worm his way into me liking him, my acceptance since he knows that me and my sister are so close, that everything would be alright if only I liked him. My parents are disappointed in her for having someone who's never went to college like that, someone so below us. Yes I know, we're snobby, but I refuse to date anyone who doesn't have a college degree, or at least something happening in their life!

SEE WHY do I think about this, I shouldn't care...and when I think of my own parents moving out, I think HE will NOT BE IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE when I'm here. HE WILL NOT be sitting on my couch when I get home from school as if this is HIS house just because my parents moved out. I so dislike him, I so do, and I am disliking my selfish stupid sister. I want to fucking leave sometimes because I'm so tried of her stupidness and why can't she see these things and why she must be this way to so lower her standards because she's deseperate.

I haven't dated in some time, I simply can't date shit like her, especially OFF THE NET. I cut my ties kinda with internet dating, all that I've found on here is fucking freaks.

OH WELL...my parents are driving me nuts, sometimes I just want to be left alone, I don't want to be bothered every minutes like this. I'm typing this now and I can say my mom has bothered me at least 10 times, no kidding, while I've been here. It upsets me and if I say anything she'll cry or freak out and be needy.

There she goes fucking again, I hate it. I can't wait to be on my own, I hope I get this job at the place I work, I'll know tomorrow. My boss today was a major bitch to me, which makes me realize someone must've told her that I might be leaving. Good riddance, she just wants me to stay in that job and not move up, she was the one who put a stop to my wanting to write *FOR FREE* for the paper...she said NO because it's against some contract, yet the other editor said YES. I hate her.

Anyway, I got this "voodoo" doll someone made on EBAY and it was $20 bucks, damn I could make these myself, so I'm thinking of maybe creating some and selling them. The material used for this doll cannot be more than $2 or so dollars!

Okay I'm still thinking about sis. The girl who said she would wait till marriage and me saying I wouldn't. Why do I feel like a loser because I'm still a virgin?? Shouldn't I be proud to have that point of view of the UNKNOWN. To read a sex article and not know what it fully means because I've never been with a man??

I hate this confusion, but then again I am in the throws of having PMS and over emotional about things and hot flashes and a hurting chest today.... My period stopped last month, and this month it's going strange. I think it's stress. I used to skip my period all the time and now it kinda goes alright. I used to think I had cysts on my ovaries...but I doubt that now.

Oh hum ohhh I had a dream that I had a baby and she was so beautiful, then I got scared in my dream because it was something I wasn't ready for nor did I want at that/this point on my life. In my dream, I didn't know the father, didn't want him to know....and as I held her and looked at her blonde hair and cobolt blue eyes, I knew I didn't want this. I wonder what this means...I had it before my sister told me her secret.

OH! It was quite funny at the last get together of our friends that they took the cherry from my mixed drink and put it on a plate for my sister, they don't know she's unpure now...they said here, you need this I think, or else -- ex boyfriend -- will take it...or something like that. I stared at the cherry and at her face and smirked, she didn't eat the cherry, no one did.

I have her secret and now I want to tell someone else, like I need to talk about it with someone, my best friend Max is someone I would like to tell, but she made me swear not to, and he's stupid enough to tell her even if I make him swear, so I won't tell him, anyone, and I don't want to talk about it with her, someday I'll tell someone, maybe my own next beau I will tell ... and lord help me should I lose mine, would I finally be able to talk about it with my own sister.

I wish I wasn't such a loser and was so confused and scared.

Jen

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pet ramps