Well it's been weriod for me lately. I posted my resume on three internet sites and I got a reply a few days later from Eli Lilly...assistant Editor for 18 mths living in *gag* Indianapolis. I consider myself a chicagoland gal, not in the middle of a fucking corn field girl.... But I just finished editing somethine they sent me and now I'm like..wow..I suck. I told my friend Max who'll hear nothing of it, he won't even talk about it, I don't know why, I don't like it. But oh well I don't have that job yet, I won't know until I go to interview, and that's mid december and if I were to get the job, I'd start in January....so I'm thinking is this a disney replay? How can I bear to be alone again? I am thinking of staying at my grandma's house, which is 45 mins to Indianapolis, yet in winter time...how hard will it be? And her huge victorian house which hasn't been lived in for a few years now, since Grandpa got sick and died, it sits there dusty and moldy smelling, yet something I'm so in love it, so beautiful, the wood, the things inside that are rotting due to neglect. Yet I've always been scared to be there, even as a kid I was terrified of the upstairs, especially at night, in the day time I can cope, at night I'm a freak who flips on the lights and regards each creek as a murderer or a ghost w/o a head.... And the thought that the upstairs toilet is broken, and the thought of having to hurry downstairs just to pee, makes me cringe. At night when you look down the stairs, it lookes like liquid darkness, it's so dark down the stairway, it makes you want to cry. I think I'd end up just going in a fucking bucket! lol Or invest in some flashlights and stuff....or leaving on lights...something...using the servants stairs verses the first class stair way...both are equally scary...just one is prettier than the other! And to clean it all, lord and knowing bats sometimes enter the house...paying for heating, gas, electric and cable...verses me going to a apartment and having to buy shit just to furnish it...plates, towels, couch...god....what a mess, I don't have it yet...so.....I don't really think about it that much anymore.

Anyway, I tried the Kashi system...it tastes like SHIT, the bars and the mix, taste like fucking shit. I complained and they are sending me a free box of cereal....yuck. I was so excited about it and as I chewed on that first bite I wanted to heave...and the liquid mix tastes like chocolate liquid cereal. EW. SO I was like fuck it..maybe I'll try slim fast now..something easy for the morning....I don't know, I've a headache and am cranky....I'm going to bed soon. my sis pissed me off w/ saying we'd go to chicago tomorrow, yet she's making excuses that she can't now, I fucking hate that, don't say we're going then say we're not now...my mom does that, and I'm not taking that from her now. I'm tired of my family, yet I know if I were to leave I'd cry and cry....I know I'd get a pet though...something....

UGK...6 weeks left of school...thank god.

JEN

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