I went to that party tonight, it was kinda fun, I didn't get as ignored as usual. I swear I think it's the way I wear my hair is how people treat me.

I usually wear it up in a clip or in a pony tail because I don't like to spend hours on my crazy hair. Today I wore it down and brushed it lightly. See I have naturally curly hair and if I brush it out each day it frizzes...so I have a weekly total brush out, to which I end up looking like a troll doll. Anyway, each day I lightly brush it then spray it to curl it, another thing is I never shower in the morning, it takes to long and my hair looks like shit blow dryed...anyway...today I wore it with the sides pulled up and my hair curled in banana curls today, almost perm like and I looked young and innocent in a way...so people treated me nicer. My more adult clips and pony tails - people treat me like a adult or nothing...hm. I'd love to wear my hair like this everyday, but it sometimes refuses to be dealt with.... I SO wish I had normal hair, not my FINE shit...can't do fuck with it! can't go to salons with the normal straight hair styles, they also opt for some short hair do that makes me look like one of those fat chicks who is gross...ew. Though I'm thinking about going for a dye and maybe a perm to make it more manageable...or something...I'm tired of it.

OKAY ENOUGH HAIR TALK! At the party I was at someone had a baby, it was so sweet and this lady was like, it's the only important thing in my life....God I thought, what is important in my life besides myself? Soooo I was like I want a baby too...and then I was like...well gotta lose weight to find a man, then...get married and have a baby...or at least find a man and have baby out of wedlock. But I'm talking out my ass with my selfish life since I don't have time nor money nor maturity for such a deal. I can barely keep a relationship with a man let alone a baby. I just keep thinking, God I want my parents to be Grandparents one day, I want to make them proud, this is what they want! All my life I've heard of them gush about when I'll have a baby, get married as they look at you with that look, that dreamy look of "SOME DAY"

I've always had the feeling that I'll never have a some day...I've always felt that I would always be single, an old maid! Fuck, I don't want to be that. Which is why I'm on my crusade to lose weight once more. Or else the 30 year old pact I made with my friend in Highschool that if we weren't married by the time I was 30, we'd get married. lol Not.

I always figure, fuck I can HAVE a baby anytime, out of wedlock.... That's the great thing about being a girl...we can have babies like that, while men have to adopt...we know that child is ours...men don't ... hum...Lord please let me be married and have at least one kid. A girl...ooh named Veronica..I love that name.

This is bs thinking, but I have a paper due monday for a fucking ass hole teacher..and I don't know where to start. I also have to study for my MID TERMS! I can't believe that I'm in the middle of this semester! Lord. And and...hmm what else do I have going on? I'm so tired and stressed and strangly statisfied that I am. Yet I want to stay home and concentrate on ME, not have any worried. Just let me graduate, then I'll be down to only one job, only minor worries.....right now I have bills coming and that's hard..I have the future coming and I'm just not ready.

*SIGH* oh well, I have to go to the bank and take out money for the WW meeting I AM GOING TO ON TUESDAY. I don't know how much it'll be, but...hm I don't care I'm tired of not doing anything about it...this will help, this will help.... Plus sticking to my EXERCISING. Hello Jenny you skipped 3 fucking days this week! *big SIGH* and you haven't even lifted weights...tsk tsk....

Jen

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