What a long long day. It was one of those days that everyone is demanding things from you. At work the other typist is sick, so I'm left with a stack of news briefs and people asking me to have things done by tomorrow. I want to say, who can I please today, because I won't get to all of these, not in a million years. I so strive on praise and being the best, I crave it.

So anyway, I was thinking about writing again, everyone says I could publish, I could be like Erma Brombeck, but I just am to crazed anymore to do anything. My other web pages are just going to pot, and somehow I don't care.

I also chickened out of going to WW, I was called that day to do an article in only 24 hours...so I was running around doing that, and hadn't exercised and felt dirty, so I stayed home and took a shower. I'll go next week I said.

My sis keeps saying everyone's saying she look sooo good she's lost weight. I'm tired of it, she hasn't, she looks the same. I want to say shut the fuck up, I am feeling fat and here she's like...oh I'm so great and everyone says so! She's getting to be like one of my old ex-friends who used to say every guy was looking at her and she thought she was some goddess though she wasn't. I'm tired of it, I want to say, "hey who told you today that you're looking good or secretly on WW?" I hate it! I'm not jealous, I'm just tired of it since I'm trying so fucking hard and nothing....

So today I'm like OH I AM DOING POINTS, So I have a quarter pounder for lunch and ANOTHER hamburger for dinner! What the FUCK. I'm like only ONE can of pop a day...2 fucking ...cups of pop!! Then I have the rest of my chocolate pudding with free Coolwip. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

And only last night I'm reading about losing weight and this girl in my new I think Shape ... of Fitness WAS my exactly weight and height and she lost 55 lbs, she looks like me now..her before pic....so I'm like..damn if I could lose 55 lbs...then I would probably look like that. And yesterday I'm thinking while walking on the treadmill how I'm going to tackle this newfound 55 lb goal...and I have no fucking idea. I feel so lost sometimes, like I want to say FUCK IT and just bury my head in my pillow and cry my eyes out and just stay there for a week and not want to be bothered...quit work, quit school, quit life.

And yet I go on, and because I go on I know that I will continue to go on and try to lose this weight. I feel so disgusting lately, so ugly, so afraid to look in mirrors anymore...I don't know why. I think if only I started to lose I would feel so much better, this is why I want to join WW, I think it will help me greatly, just to try it, maybe find a new perspective or motivation. I don't know, but I feel stuck...I come home and am so tired from work and school...I just want to sleep, yet I plop on the treadmill, which my body is used to, so it does nothing but maintain. I look at my weights and I say tomorrow, but that day sadly never comes. So I'm sitting there wondering...what do I do now? Where do I go from here?

I don't know, it bothers me A LOT. I think of it all the time and I say I'll start and do it later...but that later is getting so late...I'm 24 years old...I keep thinking damn Jen if you don't do something you'll never get married, you'll never be respected or get that job. I know that skinny people are equated with loveliness, with sucess, I see it with my own eyes as others treat my co-worker, the skinny blonde so sweet and me...the fat girl, the stereotype fat, greedy girl like I'm nothing. My co-worker doesn't show up to work, yet she is welcomed with smiles...oh she's so sweet!! That's how it is...that's the fat true, personality matters a bit, but looks is what gets you there. How can you get to know someone when you don't like the looks enough to approach?

Sometimes I wish I was obsessive and could just work out and eat nothing but salads and pills to lose weight. Yet I know I could, I can, but how long would that last? ....

Oh well I feel somber today, I have a party to go to tomorrow, another fame fest for my sis as she is the belle of the ball while her fat baby sis sits there ignored...yes...I'm talking in the group and someone comes to stand in front of me, and no one says anything. That truely happens to me all the time.

I feel like nothing because people treat me like nothing, I'm not there. I feel like I'm disappearing anymore.

I keep thinking of this stupid George Michael song something like "I'm going down, won't you help me? Save me from myself" Man, I so feel like that sometimes, right now. Save me from myself!

*Sigh* I still think George Michael is so hot! I'm in denial of his gayness...I love the way he writes.

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pet ramps