It's Sunday, godddd another weekend gone away to fast. Where are my 3 day weekends? I'm so awaiting some holiday so I have have time for myself.

I want to totally just skip work and school and just laze around all day. I wish I could work from home sometimes, or just fucking get on with my life and graduate. Yet even that is scary to think since I'll be left with only one job, that being part time. So damned if I do and damned if I don't, it's still coming and so inevitable I can puke.

Plus I'm talking, well this highschooler IM'ed me about an article and how to write it for her high school paper, she's telling me what she wants to do. It's so hopeful and it's so positive, I remember I was like that too, and now I wonder what happend to my dreams?

I wanted to be an artist, I wanted to be a museum curator...I wanted to write, I think. I mean I wanted to BE someone and lately I don't feel like anyone but just a entry level fucking low man WORKER. I'm the SECRETARY, I'm the fucking TYPIST, I have a BA!!! I wasn't told I'd be here, no, in college it's so positive as if you'll be the BEST person and hired into riches and some fucking Cosmo business woman AND I'M NOT. I'm just a SECRETARY!

I have such low self esteem, but such HIGH high high snobbery or AMBITION. I dont' know how that's happend, but I've always wanted to be the best, have praise, and lord when I get anything negative I gripe and cry and hate it.

*HUMPH* I throw tantum's like this sometimes, and though no one calls them this, I reguard them as this.

SO I'm thinking to my college dreams, my dream of writing and being published. Yes, I want to write a book, short story, something, yet I haven't lifted the proverbial pen, I haven't even started. I had an idea before and it never went to press. I'm so very lacking in my writing anymore, all it is, is just this damn page, school work and my deliberations page. It's like I'm scared to write, after my last short piece that didn't hit off to well, and being snubbed at my school's writing awards...I feel so unmotivated. I know I shouldn't, but god I do. I guess the next time it hits me, the "idea" I will write SOMETHING down. I love to write and create, yet feel strange when others read it...scared they won't like it.

Oh I wish I knew if I was good or not, instead of just fooling myself into thinking I'm some good writer, when I'm not. Being told in college my grammar sucks, my paragraphs to long, has fucked me up, how am I to have confidence with this bull shit. I read to never ever taking writing classes and I can see why now.

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pet ramps