I don't know I pretty much am thinking I'm crazy, scitzo? that isn't how you spell that, so I hope you know what that is....

Okay so I met the stranger from AOL, strange yes, I felt like a major fat ass. Here I am thinking he's some big ol' large guy and here comes Mr. Normal, kinda football player ish and I know I'm out of my league (no pun intended.)

So I'm sitting at my desk and I see this guy stop in the hall way, and look at me, and just stop in his tracks, so I look up and our eyes meet for a second and I smirk and look down and look busy as I can see his shadow back away like I'm a wild animal.

SO I'm thinking, boy, I'd leave if I were him, I'm nothing special, I'm fat for God's sake...and I think of other self esteem breaking thoughts, self loathing things as I wait for work to end, he had arrived 20 mins early. SO there I was, time for me to leave, and I'm thinking he HAS to be gone, or maybe he's waiting downstairs, what if he left and is going to make fun of me...

I walk out and there he is, Mr. GQ, Mr. Macho, and we don't make eye contact, as we both talk fast and mutter things...and I feel HUGE next to this person and I hate myself and say to myself that I'm going to REALLY hit the treadmill NOW.

He walks me to class, and I note that when other students pass us by, he makes SURE not to touch me, I don't know how to accept this as...would I want to touch a total stranger, though we'd talked every night for 3 hrs for a week?? It's still a mystery, or maybe it was my imagination.

So I get to class and I'm like THIS IS IT, I'll NEVER see or hear from HIM again. More self loathing antics. He leaves with a "I'll call you later." And I think yeah....

SO I finally can BREATHE again and I'm so drained from that experience that in class I'm stupid and meek as I sit there staring into space and my teacher's looking at me badly.

I GET HOME and he's on the net, and after I refuse to IM him, he IM's me. I feel awkward now, and later on he calls me, I feel more awkard....I mean I remember before he saw me, he asked how much I weighed....I won't say, I told him and he's like 150? NO my leg weighs 150 I think....so I dont' know if the pics on my webpage tell of a different type of girl, but I can only image what he thought when he saw me....now I wonder is he only talking to me to show me he isn't superficial? I slow let down...the let's just be friends....? Is our nightly conversations nothing more..than just idle talk.... We planned before we met that we would see each other at school, then Friday... So is he going to meet this obligation then let me go?

I realize I have very low self esteem, when he even asks me if I think about him, I'm sarcastic...I can't fathom someone liking me, of his lookings to mine...the fat girl...lately I feel ugly, as I bow my head when I walk and try not to meet others eyes....I don't know how this all came about. I think this is steming from High School/Elementary when I was made fun of, I've never felt like someone people would LIKE, I mean I don't feel like I'm GOOD enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, what good am I? What have I to offer superfical wise? I don't even have big boobs.

SO I don't know what to do, we're supposed to go out tomorrow, we were tonight, but I said NO I'm tired, yet went out with friends...then came home feeling badly, knowing he called when I wasn't here and probably thought I'm blowing him off....plus he got mad at me for not being able to make up my mind.

I just can't deal with this stuff anymore, I swear I need to get some self esteem, every comment he makes I wonder what's behind it, the punchline, the joke...when the curtain will open with me in the spotlight and a roar of laughter.

I hate feeling this way, but I can't shake it, I've always been this way, but this time the guy is still here and I'm scared and worried. I hate myself when I'm with him personally, but on the phone I'm fine. I don't know why I hate myself so much, I know I'm not huge, but man when you're with a skinnier person than you, you FEEL huge. I just feel unattractive, I wish he would just say what he's doing, that's all I need is for someone to jerk me around, to play with me....I'm unstable damn it! ;)

Therefore, I'm not liking him or disliking him, I'm not getting to close, I'm like the mongoose dancing around the rattlesnake, or vice versa, not knowing if it's safe to strike or just lay and wait for a good time to leave or stay for the kill.

BOY I have a lot of analogies tonight don't I? I have a story idea, but I'm to tired, to much on my mind to even think of writing, though I desperately miss it, I miss having free time anymore. I miss my old life, going to school, exercise, wish I had stuff to do...now look at me, what a dramatic change.

Oh the brighter side, my Ma said I look like I've lost weight, my pants that were once tight aren't. I've been trying to cut back...drink more water. I found out, from internet man, that pasta was bad for you. I knew people said that before, but I never knew why, he explained it...and I think that explained it to me why I couldn't lose weight over the summer maybe, I mean that's all I ate was pasta and tuna fish....no wonder...

OH WELL I'm tired and feeling confused and angry. I see him tomorrow, so another self loathing day, and freak fest as I talk fast and laugh and try not to make eye contact as I suck in my stomach and try to stand as straight as I can because that takes 5 lbs off your frame ... sit down and suck my cheeks in for a more defined face ... I know all the tricks...wearing black, I even know make up tricks .... as I sit there and read his every move and thought...I just want to say, even though you say you're the same in person, you're not, no one is, if you were the same you were on the phone you'd look at me and make me feel comfortable instead of making me feel like a fat freak.

Ever see Dog Fight?

Am I to good for him or vice versa. If only I could read him well, I'd know. God please let something happen tomorrow, I don't want to go, I'd rather run away and bitch about being single then sitting there feeling like this and having others yell at my low self esteem. It's something I've been taught all my life, how can you change that so soon? Rome wasn't built in a day.

I think all of this is making me sick, I can't eat anymore nor sleep, I'm VERY stressed out...school, work, money now another paper for the stack. GOD please let this end soon or let me know if it will continue.

He talks of himself so highly, and I'm not sure I'd even rank in that height, I'm not his KIND. In person we know it...on the phone.....a difference

*GASP* GOD this is LONG, I hope nobody read my rambling, I just write on here cause no one understands and I don't want to explain NOR get interrupted with "OH no you're not...blah blah" fuck I have to get to bed I have a headache, my wisdom tooth is coming in AGAIN my jaw and ear hurt a lot...I just wish the headaches would go away. I feel like crying now. I'm going to bed so I can DREAM of a normal existance.

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pet ramps