OK I'm back from Las Vegas. I'm feeling strange since I SHOULD be updating my other pages, but I just don't feel like it. Does it matter? I mean is anyone even going to my pages anyway, will I be missed? I haven't updated since Aug.

Oh well...

I realized while in Vegas something. I am FAT. There I was getting undressed in the bathroom at MGM and getting ready to shower, did I see my self fully in 3D in 2 large floor to ceiling mirror.

I used to think I was kind chubby, but normal, but as I looked at my flab in horror I thought to myself, "I lost 40 lbs??! WHERE!?" I almost cried as I thought of all the beautiful bodies I had seen all the time I was there and me wanting to look like them and be able to actually SHOP in some of the stores size 18 and below shops .... I haven't felt this fat in so long! I think it's a good thing because all I kept/keep thinking is that I HAVE to do something! I feel disgusting. I feel so yucky, I can't image if anyone were to see the disgust of my human figure what I could say to justify my grossness.

I know this is probably a self hurting thing, but this type of stuff helps me out. I feel depressed a lot lately, and I think me not losing weight is the main factor.

I just started talking to this perfect guy, to me he is what I've been looking for. Granted it's a AOL thing, and I've yet to meet him, I know he will be perfect and I will be so embrassed of my looks that I will spoil the evening. We've a lot in common,but my own self hatred is what will ruin our "date." I wish I could hold off and see him when I've lost weight, but how long would that be, he wouldn't wait....

I'm just not used to dating, I've never kept a long relationship....well because I have committment problems. I've always had them...

Anyhoo...we're supposed to meet this weekend and I'm trying not to over think it or even LIKE him because I don't want to risk the "getting hurt" and then dealing with the rejection. You know? So I'm treating this very off handedly..not to serious and nothing at all. It's a hard thing, I hate meeting guys off the net.

Anyway, I get my ellipitcal trainer tomorrow, I can't wait. It comes with a workout/weight loss program, so hopefully that will help me lose now since my body will have a new changelle, FUCK why can't I spell today!? GRRR...

I plan to start lifting weights too again, that always helps out....

Oh well Mr. Perfect is IMing' maybe I can talk to him for now...everyone is pissing me off today, but I think it's because I'm very tired from my trip.

Let me say, I hate, absolutely hate my body, actually just my hips, ass and abs ... h.a.a is what needs to go down, then I MIGHT look normal....but still I'm hating myself and wanting to stop feeling this fatness....God, how did this happen? Why can't I lose? What am I doing wrong? Fuck me.

Tomorrow starts my newness....my new body style, I'm going to devise a plan, let's see no more pop, I drink it like water, which is horrid...at 140 cals a can, god knows, 4? cans a day? You add it up...makes me fucking sick.

BLAH! I will conquer this, I *have* to or I will become bitter and truly hate myself for the rest of my life thinking what IF I had lost this weight...no I can't go on thinking that....

�

pet ramps