I had a strange day, like a twilight zone day. All weekend I was soo worrying over this damn interview I had...well today I volunteered to go to get it over with, even though I didn't know what the hell I was doing, so I went and it was fun, I mean we talked like we were friends...and after it everyone in class was like "wow" and for once in my life, I got an A, the best grade in class. The quiet girl got an A! I've never been so happy in a class, since I didn't even practice like I had before ( I only got B's before!) Oh well after that I came home and got a e-mail from this guy who wants to hire me to edit his book and help him write a proposal and stuff to get it published. He said he'd pay me. So I am talking with him to see how this will work. It's my dream to publish a book and even though I'm just helping I figure I can see how it works to publish a book and maybe have enough courage to write my own. So I'm excited about that.

Anywooo I got two cat calls today, ass holes. You know when people yell out their car window. I got one at school walking in ... "Woooo hooo" and then while gassing up my car "Wooooooo" I hate those I usually don't have people hollering things out the window at me..but today was just one of those days. They make me feel so yucky when they do that, what they must be thinking all the mean things....lord I don't want to think of it, makes me think of high school days when I had to battle my way into acceptance so people wouldn't call me names, I remember how scared I felt each day that someone might embarrass me and call me some horrible name. It's the worst thing in the world to be scared of something you can't do anything about. *Sigh* Those days make me want to just cry and never eat again. Those days, like today, give me a mind set to work out now...lose weight. Yuck, I feel like shit now.

I really hate feeling this way, and then wondering what life would be like skinny and normal. I was wondering today if people ever wonder what it's like to be larger. I always find myself thinking of being a size 10, but what if I were a size 30? Can thinking that way make me feel better about myself? Maybe for a moment, then I think of the people who wonder what it's like to be a size 22/24 such as me. What do they think of this?

I also am thinking that at the work place there is a major bias against us of girth. Through others eyes, they see the fat as lazy, and stupid. I can see in some people's eyes when I walk into a room if they will have to accommodate for me...I'm not huge, I'm not that big that I need a sofa to sit on. As they were telling me of the discounted gyms I had at my disposal at my new job, the lady had her eyes on me, then looked away embarrassed. I smiled like a fool and glanced at my size 10 coworker who was blushing. I wanted to say, "Do you know that I work out 5 days a week? I lift weights and I eat less than skinny people." Would they believe me? Watch someone, if you're fat, when you say "I belong to a gym, I walk, I exercise, I'm on a diet...." Disbelief and the "no they won't" look. I'm tired of it, I want to change and yet that look sticks in my mind saying, "No you won't... you don't stick with it..." Will I stick with it?

I bought a fitness pass to my college gym in June, I haven't been there yet, yet I say that I will each weekend.

I keep saying that I will go to fitness classes at my school gym, will I do this? Or will I let myself tell myself that I will go "next weekend," the forever weekend that never comes?

Why is weight loss so easy, yet so hard?

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pet ramps