Today is going by fast, I got into work, and finished up this dumbass section really fast cause the ad people were up my ass on it.

I wanted to say FUCK OFF. But I did it quickly and said THERE YOU GO IT'S FINISHED do with it what you like.

I took a phone call about a court case, then poo pooed around a bit, sent an email, then called my violin teacher to interview.

This interview, wow, began at 11:30 and I got off the phone with her at 1.

I lost nearly 2 hours, I felt like I was in a time warp, I was like, it's 1? Really? I can't believe it, no wonder I was hungry.

So I ate lunch and had a piece of cake (bosses day) and went back to work, here I am!

It's 2 fucking o'clock now even, I seriously feel screwed up.

Anyway, that woman I interviewed was so religious, I mean totally, she was a 100 % believer. I felt like Satan talking to her because I dont' know religion. She was spoon fed it by her parents, so I think if I was spoon fed religion I would be that way too.

But a part of me just doesn't buy it. I'm sorry, I can't lie, maybe it's the reporter part, I cannot fully believe things without questioning "what if..." I guess religion is also what I remember and never understood until now - my best friend in high school house had this saying over the entry way.

I never understood it, it said "let go and let God."

I was always like, what the hell does that mean. But I guess if you're religious you do not question the WHAT IF's, but just let go and surrender. Well and fine and dandy for those.

To me, I can't see past the what if's. The woman said, she thinks of God, Jesus Christ and Our savior (that's what she kept calling it) ... she said it was like a present, you don't ask for it, but it is given to you with love.

It's up to you if you chose to accept it.

I wanted to say, but at what cost, what strings attached, cause why would so many NOT want that present.

I kept thinking of "presents" that I see like on the streets of Chicago. You have the streetwise papers that the bums sell, they are "free" and donations are accepted.

But if you were to take that "free" paper and didn't give, then you'd be hounded and shit.

I say, not all presents are given away so freely, yes you didn't ask for them, but when you receive them inevitable guilt or some emotions follows.

I don't know what this means, but she told me about how she accepted GOD in her life, and I always thought that God was in your life. I guess I've accepted God, but I don't feel like she does, maybe hell doesn't scare me, but I've never cried to my parents that I didnt' want to go to hell.

But

I've never done anything that would warrant a one way trip to hell. Maybe I curse to much, but I don't cheat, I don't lie and I don't do bad things.

I was always told if you're a good person inside you'll go to heaven. So who knows.

My teacher says that some people just need to find their way and I feel maybe some of the things she was saying was aimed at me. I wanted to say, please dont' preach to me ... I so admire her belief ... it's a beautiful thing, but I'm not into that scene I don't understand it.

Oh well, I'm drinking from my WW mug (one mug full DOWN!) and onto my second mug full, I''m nearly at half mast... I've had to tinkle a few TO MANY times today. It's nice though to know that I'd have gotten all my water in.

Right now I' have a touch of heart burn, I got stick in the bathroom here but I think that is in part of my bad, nasty pasta meal last night.

Oh well, hum. I'm seriously thinking about applying at the Elgin paper cause I was looking at some of their designs and I really like their paper. It's a step up from our paper, more circulation ... more pages, it has designers and photographers and writers and copy editors. Not like here where one person has 5 jobs.

I loved their design, it's not HIGH UP, but it's not low low like ours. I figured, that would be a nice, mid-step up from what I'm doing.

The thing is, is that it's an hour and a half from my home in Indiana, so that means, I'd have to get an apartment there. Ack.

I can't remember if I've applied there or not...I think I did before, but I can't recall. I'm going to have to pull out some good designs, but I feel my work is good, to bad my news design is a bit mediocer in my eyes. My sections are excellent. I love them.

So we'll see, I would want at least $30,000 to go there. It would be a nice change. It gives me a headache to think of having to move and be so quick on my own, new town and everything completely new as if a tornado came and destoryed everything in my life.

But I guess that's the beauty of life, being able to start over when you still can. I know one day there will come a time that I can't just pick up and move so easily, if I get married...have kids...that type of thing.

So I'll enjoy it now, unless I never get married nor have kids, then I can be a mover all my life. I hope not, I want to settle down at some point, in the next 5 years perhaps. Hum, like a goal/plan, thing. But who says you're going to get it.

I always seem to think no one deserves anything, nothing is set in stone, no promises made or kept. I just hope I'm one of the lucky ones. I don't want to go through life alone, and I do want kids some day, I worry some day will never come.

I hate to think that way, I always find hope in the darkest corners of my life. My mom says she knows I'll be married and have kids first. But I laugh, she doesn't know about my sister and her boyfriend and how they want to marry, kids are inevitable.

So maybe mom's wrong.

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pet ramps