I was updating this and then my computer froze and crashed in such a lovely manner, losing all my work.

Hm, maybe it was a sign from God because it was a particularly a bitch, whiny one.

Heh

So anyway I'm really upset today because I just feel so damn fat. My tummy feels like there is a balloon in it, I know I must start something now before this gets out of hand. I saw this cop who's lost a lot of weight and I felt so happy for him and at the same time I just felt so unhappy that I've fallen a bit off the ol' wagon.

Last night the family went out to this big buffet, we all ate so much, it was disgusting yet delicious!

The last 'hurrah' in a way since we're all trying to sing the Atkins Diet hymns once again.

I ate cruddy today, almost like a teenager diet, of fast food and candy. I'm at work right now, I'm tired, I drove from home to Michigan and now I have to work 3 to 11. I know when I get older I won't be able to do this, I'm already very very tired and I hate, just HATE to think of going to that cold, silent house and go inside and feel so alone and alone and alone.

Then loathe my life, my job my location.

But that's a old story. I just keep wishing I'll get my time off for good behavior in this town call Manistee. I'm tired of this place, the people, everything. Wow, I feel nuts half the time, on the edge of some crazy break down.

I asked the magic 8-ball and it said I'd get an interview and the job at U of C that I want so badly, I nearly cried thinking how it would be so lovely to have such a job at a college, where I could begin work on my masters degree and the setting of college life, I really like it.

But still my phone sits there silent, and I look on their website and my resume just sits there 'processing' in some hell since it's been there since May 5.

I just have-ta wonder, did they even receive it?

I know, a gut feeling, they won't call, I have zero hope anymore, because no one wants me.

Isn't that a sad thing to realize? No one wants me plain and simple.

I used to feel that way about my love life, but now I know Josh wants me, but I don't want him as he wants me.

I dont' know what I want from him, you'd think I'd let him go, I guess I crave that extra attention, he calls me to much, I don't answer the phone and watch it ring and the caller id says his name and I know at that moment he's probably getting angry that I never call him or answer my phone anymore, my voice to him is just my voice mail, nothing's real anymore.

I feel sorry for him, at the same time some devil in me wants to make him beg and make him hurt as I have so many times.

I know this is just the evil side of me, or some strange fixture of my crazed fucked up mind.

But I really feel beat up and bruised now that I'm back in Michigan, I feel upset, unhappy, I feel like crying because I am still home sick after a year and some odd months.

Even when my parents are here, I still want to go home to Indiana.

I miss having my friends around, my sister who I could talk to, the area, the trains at night, the people, places...all those things I've grown up with, I miss them all.

Here I feel like I am just empty and isolated from everything, no friends, no close by men, no dates, no nothing.

It gets so hard sometimes ...

And what is so bad, is no one seems to understand I'm not sure what's worse sometimes.

I walk into the office and feel this hatred. I get yelled at and feel this thought bubble in my mind ... this threat that some day, yes, some day I will be out of here. I will say, here is my two week notice.

I will be nervous when I give my two week notice, at the same time I will feel exhilirated, I will feel like I've been given my freedom, though starting all over again, is scary in itself, but still, I will survive that as well. I think that moment is what keeps me going half the time, that pure moment...wow. I dream of that moment, I laugh at it and it just feels damn good.

Anyway, enough about that ol' stuff, I'm sure it bores everyone and they just skim it over.

I so need to lose weight, I feel sooo badly, I really do. I need to re-do Atkins, just two weeks of crazy meat eating like a dog. Nothing but meat and water.

I do have a taste for a grilled hot dog. Or bacon, chicken. Even a salad. Some mock potato pancakes, cauliflower and cheese and cheese and more cheese...

Maybe try some of those funky recipes, make my mock mac n' cheese.

I can do this, I just need to stop this fat thinking, I just need to wake up before I get out of hand and then regret everything and hate myself for my lack of discipline.

Oh man, I can't spell anymore.

Oh well, hm. I'm happy that I met that Indianapolis dude, he's a write and so very nice. Why do I always meet all these folks on online, I wish I could meet them in public, it would be so much easier!

Hm. I already miss home, miss my room, talking to my sister, my tv! Radio ... dog...wow, I shouldn't have gone home so much, it ruins me in such a way, at least I haven't brought myself to tears as of yet in some little despair that I get now and then. My parents keep saying "two weeks" - they are moving up there in about two to three weeks, then I'll have them FULL TIME.

Then I won't be lonely, except for my sister and probably will want to be on my own.

Sometimes I just want to say, where is my life going? Why am I so dependant? I just feel like I'll be single and always feeling this way forever. I think I'll wish for death at some point, especially if I'll always be fat, but who knows.

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pet ramps