My parents left about 20 mins ago, and for some reason I welcomed their leave, yet at the last minute, as I saw them pull out of the drive way and beep, I began to cry.

I seem to cry whenever people leave now, sometimes I'm alright if my mind is preoccupied, but last night I told myself, this will be the last good nights sleep in a while, I just cannot sleep when it's just me in the house.

I mean it's almost a year now, and still I am paranoid, still dont' like it here.

I'd crazy. I mean I cope now, but I don't like that word much, I don't like to cope with things, I like to fix them and make them better.

So, anyway, I keep tearing up, and holding back a sob feast, I keep holding these tears back and one slips by every so often.

I work today and should be on the treadmill right now. I didn't lose any weight today, I think because I've been drinking sugar free lemonade with strawberry kiwi in it, and it's very very sweet, and then dad has macademia nuts covered in chocolate and I had a few of those yesterday, like 6 of em' which they have sugar and nuts, two things I can't have.

No wonder I"m craving again, so I made my parents take them with them. So I'll do okay now. I go Tues. for my gym orientation, and I will go to my first class Wed. then miss Friday if I get to go home.

I'm worried about asking my boss for Thursday as a 1/2 day, he just gave me two days off last week! The week before, was my vacation. So maybe I can talk him into this somehow, especially if I'm doing nothing, I kind of think of it as my last hurrah, since I can't go running home like this all the time because that drive is a killer and now I'm taking exercise classes, which is $40 a month, so ... no... plus I have to miss violin class! EEP, the class where we're learning to read music. My worst area.

oh well, I'm not gone yet, I just hope he'll be nice, and be like...well okay. But if I have a special section due or if I work that weekend, then I will really have to see if I should even go.

Oh well, I feel a sob coming on, I feel like my dog when you're getting ready to leave and he knows he will be locked up in the kitchen.

Oh well, it's a gray day, it's supposed to snow tonight and tomorrow, but I say, nooo, maybe a dusting, but Thurs. we're supposed to get it too. Oddly enough, it looks like it could be October outside, no snow, just really cold.

Which is FINE with me. I hate driving in snow, I feel like my car just slides around, plus it doesn't stop well since there's little weight to it.

Ug. no snow God please!

I feel crappy, I stalled in weight loss I just know it, yesterday I was at 279.5 and today the scale said, 279.5 or 280! ARG! Damn it, I yelled out. I had sausage and eggs for breakfast and lunch will be something on Atkins and dinner will be...something with that meat I just bought, maybe...taco meat w/ sour creme on salad?

Oh well, I feel like shit right now, my back hurts, I think my new pillows are doing it, I woke up today with a knot in my back, I kept shifting to aleve the pain, but nothing.

Oh well, do I reallllyyyy have to work today, I don't feel like working...especially when I get done at 7 and can't leave until 9 or 9:30... ug ug ug ug! Then get home at 10 ish, so I can sleep and wake up early at 9.

I'm going to go hop on the treadmill or something healthful like that.

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pet ramps