I can't believe I remembered my password for this diaryland account, I mean I'm at work right now and somehow I remembered that stupid numbered password.

How strange.

But how great since I don't have anything much to do and heck, this seems like something better than just surfing the net. Of course if my boss comes near the ol' computer I might lose this whole entry, so I will try to be somewhat brief.

I just had a few cubes of cheese that I brought to work today. I'm saving the rest as a snack for later since I have a violin lesson tonight and I always end up so hungry afterwards.

My diet so far has been going good. This is my third day, I weighed this morning and lost a pound. I think it's from all the trips to the bathroom yesterday. Whoo-wee, I've had to go a lot now, and it's like that kind that says, go NOW or wet your pants kinda stuff.

Oh well I'm at 283 - Yesterday was 284, I thought I was at 282, but I gained two pounds from being home and eating like I weigh 1 lb. It's amazing how weight can go up and down such as this.

I called this new fitness facility today, it's $40 a month, and you get classes, get to use the equipment and get a one on one with a trainer for I think one session, and then orientation. This means, they are going to weigh me, pinch me with those fucking body mass things just to tell me that I'm 90 % fat, then take my blood pressure. All of this, I really hate. It's like, why must you do this? You can see I'm fat can't you? I can keep track of this stuff on my own anyway, but I guess they probably do it for legal reasons of some sort.

Today this woman who I'd taken a picture for said, "where's that heavy set girl?" She was talking about me, and I complete was dumbfounded by her rudeness. I wanted to say, well I'm also the only blonde in the news room, also wear glasses, and I did give you my business card. The secretary had told her before this that I had taken the picture. I was feeling so good about myself then this bitch comes in like this.

So after that I called for pricing on that fitness club. I want to go, but some part of me is like....damn....I don't want to. I did just buy that $90 buck FIRM FANNY pack. Fuck! I mean the good thing about me, is that if I'm paying for this type of service, ($40 a month) I WILL GO merely because I'm paying for it. Just like my violin classes, I don't feel like going tonight, but I will because I'm paying for it, which reminds me, I have to pay them for January...fuck fuck fuck again. So that's a bright side to the dark side of me. I guess I'm cheap or just want to get my money's worth.

So this leaves me feeling broke again, I know my account is dwindling fast since I got that stupid FIRM pack, bought new violin strings ($25), bought my dad a PC game (but they said they'll put that on my VISA ($31), now I have to pay for my class ($30) ... and I think I paid for something else... I mean my visa is at $300 already .... lord, I need to stop spending money.

I'm happy grandma gave me $1,000 for Christmas, I put that in my savings account and refuse to touch it. I think I should begin saving like $100 a month or from every check and sticking that in my savings account. I mean if I do get another job, I need to have this money to get an apartment on ... etc.

Plus I think I'll lay off on buying new clothes. I think I've enough to last me through spring (if I'm still here) it doesn't get hot here until way way late into summer. Ug, let's not thinking about having to stay here that much longer, I think I'll cry.

Plus my parents are planning a February 2004 trip to Disney, so I have to save for that one too. They are visiting Granny, then going to Disney, they are driving, so that will cut my costs, again, if I'm still here...god no, still working here in Feb. of 2004? *puke* but with my life, who knows where I will be in 2004. I wonder if I'll still be fat and saying I'm going to do it this time around.

SO anyway, my cravings aren't that bad anymore, though my boss did make popcorn today and I drooled a bit on it. I didn't want it, and told myself no no no Jenny.

Just like when I walk by a pop machine, I just know how cold and lovely pop is. Then there's a bag of buttery popcorn that this lady brings in from her other job, it calls to you with it's saltiness.

Oh, well I guess I'm not over my food addictions as of yet. I'm a bit worried as to when Mom and dad leave to go back home on Sunday. They've been cooking and making me breakfast, shopping etc. I'm like, I don't even do that for myself. I just wonder what my dinners will be like, what my lunches will consist of?

Soups, salads, cubes of cheese and lunch meat, I'm guessing. I must try out those atkins/protein shakes to see how well I like those. I just don't want to get bored in my eating.

I did print out a few recipes that sound fantastic. The one is a bit strange..it's Mac in cheese, but instead of noodles you use tofu. that sounds nasty, but they say it tastes just like it. Which I can kinda see since tofu is tasteless, as noodles are tasteless...maybe it's the texture.

Oh well, I will have to begin shopping for myself and really paying attention to my time. Hopefully I can get started on these classes and not feel lazy or tired like I used to.

I guess all this change scares me just a little. Plus my sister is getting on atkins, my mom doesn' think she'll last since most of her meals revolve around fast food. But I don't like it because she makes me feel like we're in competition, like she tries to sabotage me, then she'll try to make it seem like she's the skinniest and tries to flaunt this. It's like she's scared I'll lose weight ... why does she want me fat? Will we be on competition then, maybe she feels like she's prettier cause she's thinner? Maybe this is the reason, keey the young one fat, and then you'll have that over her.

Maybe I make to much of this, but maybe not. My parents are pushing this too, offering to pay for my exercise classes, then telling me what to eat, etc. It's like I feel like I'm some kid, It's very scary ... I mean the change ... the thought of weight loss scares me very very much so and I don't know why.

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pet ramps