Sometimes when you think you're happy, it's kind of sad when you realize you're not and begin to wonder if you've ever been happy and content in your life.

This morning I slept in and awoke to the sun on my face. It was annoying and as I awakened I looked around my room. It looked alien and new to me since I hadn't seen it in months. It felt like someone else's room. I looked at my old doll collection and laughed that once I spent $100 dollars on dolls and now that's just a joke to me. $100 dollars now is something that goes into my savings for whenever I move out of Hell, Michigan or $100 towards a car payment, gas or some textile that I actually need and can use.

Have I grown up or just grown bitter?

I went out last night with a few of my sisters older friends. They're all teachers so I have zero in common with all of them when they talk about people I don't know in the school system or about teaching. So I sat there meekly and of course ignored because I'm just a meek reporter, what do I know? I ate some shitty taco and left more than half the plate, they yelled at me that I didn't eat it all up. I had two glass of Sierra Mist and shared a chocolate dessert with my sister. I don't think I did all that bad yesterday on my diet, though I feel as if I've gained 5 lbs back just by being here. When I'm home and around my sister and friends, I just let myself go as if this is a party time, a release of some sense; yet it isn't.

I should eat correctly anywhere, I should'nt guzzle pop down like it's water, it's horrible and it's self defeating now that I'm nearing 269, a weight that is a past memory; my goal is 250 because I've never seen that weight, I can't remember ever weighing 250. I'm thinner now than I was in high school, isn't this hard to believe? Hard to believe I let myself get up to weighing this high and now paying a price.

In high school I used to think I was alright, I thought if I'm fat then I must be pretty at least and now my self esteem is lower than it has ever been and I don't know why. Each time a guy even looks at me, that old Disney Beauty and the Beast line comes to my head in a comical fashion: "Who could ever love the beast?"

This morning I looked at myself in the mirror with just a bra and undies on. I turned sideways and actually saw where I'd lost weight, my body is contorting with my new weight loss, one day my arms look thinner, the next, today, my shoulders look massive while my hips look thinner, my tummy actually smaller. I pulled back the skin around my abs to see how I'd look without that disgusting roll there and I wonder if I should ever lose that much weight if I'd be one of those people, that even if thin, still always look fat.

I did notice last night, I have prettier hands than anyone at the table, at least that is one thing going for me, I always get comments on my hands.

Anyway, I also don't like my skin. I get horrid blemishes (have been since I was in elementary school) on anything that fabric rubs on. Meaning my arm pits and inner thighs. It's a inherited trait from my parents, plus from being overweight it makes it worse for some reason. I remember always having them, so I have horrible, horrible scars. It makes me hate myself all the more and then wonder if I should ever be "intimate" how the man will see my scars ... it's disgusting in my eyes and I've always planned to one day have a skin peeling there to get rid of the scares not to mention I have keloids as well...I don't know how or why I inheritated both skin problems and my sister none. It's funny my face, arms, lets are very very fair and people say I look like a china doll or peaches and cream complexion and I want to say, well look at my inner thighs and you will think I am ugly.

I was going to go to a dermatologist but I'm embrassed and say "I'll wait till I lose weight," I once let a doctor look at my legs and he did nothing and just said "next time you get a blemish come and see me...." My ass I had been battling them for years and figured why should I come back and let him look.

I don't know, maybe I should buy some skin lightening cream and get on those vitamins that make your skin better...I don't know what to do sometimes, it's like battle my weight, then battle my skin problems.

I've never talked about my skin problems before, or rarly because I'm embrassed of them, it makes me feel dirty like I don't care for myself and then I feel ugly, it's bad enough I have jiggly thighs but to have darkened scars that I refuse to wear a bathing suit without shorts on it? How can I deal with others "liking me" when I can't even like myself half the time.

How come I can have days where I feel normal and alright then days I feel like this?

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pet ramps