I'm having a very hard time in my life right now.

I mean this whole year, since it began, has been very hard on me.

I keep changing my mind. And wanting different things and then my friends are changing.

I don't want to be near them anymore.

I don't want to live at home anymore. My new goal is to move back home, but not live at home, but in an apartment because my sister is buying our house from my parents and will charge me rent to stay.

Why should I stay there, with so much work that needs to be done there, my sister whose life is so fucked up that she drags me and my family into it.

I'm tired of everyone, including her, talking to me about HER life, then not listening to me. She's changed and I don't think I like the person she's become.

Not to mention my notice of her self-absorbedness, selfishness, lazy and dirty. How could I live with someone who'd charge me rent while I'd have to clean and wash clothes? That's her in a nutshell. She's not clean whatsoever, hell last time I went home after 3 months of being away she STILL HAD not cleaned the bathroom. That is disgusting. So I figure I will move back home for a bit to get on my feet, then move out to an apartment.

I've been trying desperately for jobs at home, Michigan is not just being away from my friends and family, it's the people, the locations. It's the isolation. It's working a job that only pays me 19,995 a year and no overtime, though I work it all the time, and working multiple jobs, when I should be paid MORE. When I won't get a raise for 2 years? Please, it's not "home-sick" it's a career move, I can't afford to live on this salary for how hard I work. It's total bullshit.

So I have a few resumes out, most in Illinois. I'd like to live there, like be an hour from home so that on the weekends I could go home for a bit and crash there or do whatever.

I feel that this thinking will not get off the ground, I feel stuck like I'll never leave here.

I keep saying I want to get out of here before the snow and I seriously do.

Winters are bad here, especially for me, who'll be living ALONE, how can I shovel this drive way!? I mean when I come home late, what will happen if my car gets stuck? or if I slide off the road, who'll miss me?

Then I remember my parents are moving here at the end of November.

So December they'll be here and last year it didn't snow until January.

But God, I want out before then. God I want a 23 to 33,0000 paying job. Something....just get me out of here. I think I need to get out of here, especially for my personal life. I'm sorry there are no single men here, all are dating or married. Believe me, I've tried.

At home, I have half a chance with many men that before I poo-pooed the idea of dating, and now, I'm feelin that itch.

there is just so much I want to write here today and just cant because I don't want to have to explain it again. Maybe I will soon or maybe not.

I did gain weight too, I ate horrid while my sis was here, especially yesterday. Yestersay I was at 277.5 and today was 280. I did eat BAD yesterday so I expected this. I'm hitting it hard this week and even bought new running shoes in celebration. I think I emotional eat sometimes and lately I just have had a lot on my plate. WIth my sister, my grandma, my parents, looking for a job, trying to lose weight and eat in the Atkins manner, and then looking for a boyfriend (thanks to many people telling me I need to date ....) I've been at the end of my rope anymore.

My life feels like a saga and then I feel like a failure because I feel stalled in everything I do, I feel like laying in bed all day again and sleeping and doing nothing. I wonder if I am beginning a funk again, a semi-depression state cause I know my parents will be leaving for good in about 3 weeks and I will be cast into alone with just my thoughts to keep me company and a keyboard and internet.

I better go hop on the treadmill, I have to work tonight 2 till .... 10? 11? That snatch who is training me could have us out of there by 9ish, but that poisoned bitch fucks around and I'm left feeling tired and cranking because I drive home and have to get up early to work my ass off once more in only a mere 7 hours.

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pet ramps