I was typing in this old man's column last week, and he spoke about the...

"Heaving Bowl"

I kept thinking, "wow that's really cool, those words"

A heaving bowl is where horse jockey's puke into a designated toilet bowl before and after runs, so they weigh in correct.

What a lovely term....

I love it! If I ever "write that book" it will be entitled that.

Anyway, I went to my dad's retirement party and my aunt and uncle were there.

My aunt asked me about my job, only to be kind, then as soon as I would answer, she would ignore me and look away not listening. I wanted to say, don't ask me fucking questions if you're not going to even listen to me.

She wouldn't even read the thing i wrote for my father, whore, she panned if off like it was a bowl of peas to her husband who read it and then got red faced, they have problems with their own children, and they resent us, so said my mom. My uncle was so mean to my dad tonight, I hated my uncle/aunt tonight, I never hated them until tonight.

I also realized how much I hate my place in my career.

I realized that people need to listen more or just stop asking questions to be polite. I'd rather she not ask at all if she's gonna do that. Mom said because Dad always talks about me.

Fuck them and their stupid ass family politics, if Granny likes me "more" because I chose to chase my dreams unlike her who listened to her father who told he to keep with violin, well then so be it. Just because she likes me more doesn't mean that I'm getting anything more then they are. Fuck em' I am a stranger in my family, I can do without them, when grandma goes, I know we'll never have "family reunions" again.

Lord, I am cranky. I am still sick, my ears are plugged and then very sensitive, so my sister was screaming around today, my dog barking, I wanted to cry, then people talking to me, I can't hear them because they are plugged, or just hurting, or something.

My throat hurts, I can't yawn because it hurts so bad, I have a headache.

I want to cry. I am crying, a few lonely traveler tears walk across my face and I brush them away before anyone should see or try to care for me.

What happend to that girl who used to be so full of life, dreams? When I said, "when I make it to fame one day, I will show em'" and here I am, that "one day," I feel is passing me up, that day is now and I'm past deadline.

I hate myself and hate Michigan. I hate that I have to come home to realize how much I miss home and then go back to a cold house, I miss my friends, I miss having best friends. I miss my sister, I miss Pooks, I miss waking up and realizing that in another day I will have to be on my own again.

I'm tired of voices on the telephone, I want human interaction, I want 3D.

I read that people can get depressed over things like loss of human contact.

I don't know why I'm like this anymore. Everyone says, "get on with it, get over it," but I just can't. It's been nearly four months, and I just can't "get over it." There is nothing that will make me "happy" anymore.

"Happiness" is a bold and alien term in my life anymore.

I am very unfeeling, I feel like Satan that I don't care about people anymore. I only say things to make me look like I care, I really don't. I am clever at fooling everyone into thinking I am "concerned." I'm good at saying what others want to hear. I don't write or say the "Form Letter" things, I add a flare that says I thought about it and am feeling it too, I'm really not, I just don't want to be appear so unfeeling.

That's why I make a good interview, when my current boss said I did so well.

I said what he wanted to hear, now I pay the price for my clever deeds. Now I find, and what he finds, that I can't play out what I proclaimed to be.

I feel what he's thinking everytime his yellow eyes touch me: he's made a huge mistake.

He wants to just bide his time since he knows that I am not happy. Ever since that day he sat me down, like a husband reacting out his hand the last time to his jaded wife before he contacts the divorce lawyers, he said "Jen, how can I make you happy here? I have a feeling, I know people, it's like a family here, and I know you're not happy, what can I do to make you happy? Comfortable?"

In my witty manner, I never answer questions that I feel the truth would not be sufficient ... I said, "Why do you think I'm unhappy? what have I done to make you feel that way?"

He laughed, "I don't know, it's probably just me." "Don't worry about me, I'll be alright," I said.

My true answer: "Fire me"

�

pet ramps